A Few Photos From The Weekend

All in all, a good time, indeed!

Sunday Mop Up 07/27/08

I'm home from the road tonight. I was supposed to be in OKC one more night and come home Monday but, LORD, I was ready to get outta that place when I woke up this morning. I'm not sure I will ever be able to put into words what this past weekend was like. That ought to be good news for some of you!

I drove 7 hours today to get back. Had a blowout of a tire on the interstate, in the middle of nowhere, while driving. I couldn't figure out how to get my spare out from under the damned truck while parked on the side of the road, with 18 wheelers blasting past me at 75 miles per hour. Had to call Ford's Roadside Assistance number to come and save my ass. Forty-nine year old can't figure out how to change his own flat...good grief! I laughed at myself and thanked The Universe for keeping an eye on me and helping make my adventures more...adventurous?

But, here I am in Casa Del Jimbo, and everything is fine.

Can we catch up another time? Seriously, I am EXHAUSTED!

Hope your weekend was a good time as well!

Got Sex?

...uh, yeah, along with a pretty wicked smile on my face - and it's only Friday night!

I'm meeting some very nice people and fending off many other nice people. It's doing a number on my ego, let me tell ya!

I'll try to do a decent job catching you up on my Mop Up, but right now I need to lie down for a few minutes. It's kinda crazy here.

Sunday Mop Up 07/20/08

Welcome to the end of my week, where I endeavor to catch you up on all the little shit going on in my world. I call it my "Sunday Mop Up", when sometimes it just seems like a quick scrub of a toilet bowl.

Guess Who Is Depressed

Me.

Care To Guess Why?

Cuz I'm a baby? That's the conventional wisdom. DQ has been in Virginia for a week and I think I am missing him and I am suspecting that he's having a great time and has already forgotten my name. When we first met, he thought my name was "Joe", by the way. Put it in his phone that way.

Big Vacation Starts On Thursday

I'm going to Oklahomo City for a big Big Man's event. It will be my first time attending. Lots of guys my size and lots of guys into guys my size. I'm struggling at this point to get my work caught up and done ahead so that I can take a week and not worry about what is happening at the workplace. Maybe I'll be excited about it all once I am on the road and pointed in that direction. Right now all I can fret about is all the crap I need to get done in order to go.

There will be pool parties, dances, mixers, dinners and barbecues. It's fat guys, so you KNOW food will be featured and displayed prominently. I'm taking my laptop so that I can broadcast live via webcam to a fat guy website that I visit regularly. Also will have my awesome digital camera, so I intend on snapping lots of pictures. We'll see if any of them will be tame enough to share with you after all is said and done. I make no promises.

I hope it will be worth all the money it is going to cost me.

Windshield Get Replaced On Monday

This is a huge deal to me, a problem that has been dogging me for over a year. Hoping it all gets put to rest by tomorrow afternoon.

Another Reason I Might Be Depressed

I haven't had sex in a while. Turns out, this might be important to me. Who knew?

Movie Of The Week

The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger is, without a doubt, the best villain in any superhero movie ever made. I'll say right now that yes, he will get nominated for an Oscar and, even more, he will win. Still, NOT my favorite movie of the summer. I'll rank them all another time.

The Cleaning Labia

called me to inform me that she is moving back to Kansas this week. Her daughter (Sabrina) will pick up the duties around Casa del Jimbo starting next week ( I even get moved back to a coveted Friday slot!), but I will miss Wilma very much. She really rocked. Finding someone who speaks English to clean your bathroom isn't an easy thing to do these days.

Will Jim Snap Outta This Funk?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

I'm Always The Last To Know

Found the following little test-thingy over at Dick Small's blog, and am stunned that I am surprised by it. What should you expect from an immature middle-aged man who uses terms like "test-thingy"?

Still, I am deeply wounded and profoundly embarrassed.

Sunday Mop Up 07/13/08

It's a low energy day today. Maybe that's because I'm still on my first cuppa joe. It's Sunday, which means I sit here and putter around the house and try to catch you up on the odds and ends of my life., I call it "Sunday Mop Up". My friends call it "Homo sez WHAT?"

Cleanliness Is Next To "Good GAWD"liness!

I seem to have developed a Beauty Regime lately. Since I'm not blowing all my cash on food, I have begun buying crap that promises to make me look better. Although, I want it stated right up front that this does NOT include anal bleach. Jesus! Now, to you ladies, this may seem like nothing. But for a guy like ME to go through these steps is a freaking miracle. I've been a barsoap and Suave shampoo 'tard all my life.

So, here's the dealio:

Every morning I use a Pre-Brush Whitening Oral rinse, followed by an expensive toothpaste that says it will whiten my teefies. Then, I floss. The rinse happens outside the shower, but I brush when I'm IN the shower, so I can make a huge, frothing mess. That "rabid dog look" is the best part of dental maintenance, ya know...

Next, I hose down and shampoo my hair, my goatee, and my "South Forty" with TeaTree (shit aint cheap) by Paul Mitchell. Menthol and very "stimulating"! I follow that with TeaTree creme rinse, everywhere the shampoo went, and I shave my face.

After I shave, I pull out the St. Ives Apricot Scrub and exfoliate my mugg like a mofo. This stuff does a GREAT job of cleansing, yet leaves my face soft and smooth like a baby's...rugged, masculine, and manly...butt. Shut up.

Then I lather myself up with AXE Bodywash. Twice. I have a body brush (one for home, one for the gym), for all the nooks and crannies. I work that bitch.

I finish my hot shower with a cold rinse, to close all the pores that I have just opened up and assaulted.

"It puts the lotion on its skin..."

Once out of the shower, I hit my face with an OxyClean zit pad. Just to keep the complexion in check. Fat guys can get oily quick. I'm always amazed at the extra dirt this pad pulls off my freshly scrubbed face. Maybe that Apricot Scrub isn't doing such a bang-up job afterall...Then I use a MOISTURIZER on my face. No shit. Me using a mositurizer. The X would fuckin' faint. I use one from Olay with a little sunblock and some bronzer in it. That "Touch Of Sun" shit. SPF15...whoopdefuckindoo, I bet my SPIT has an SPF of 25 or so...

Out of the bathroom and before getting dressed, I use another body moisturizer, lightly, to try to keep my skin hydrated. Look, I'm doing this routine at LEAST twice a day, sometimes three, people, and all that scrubbing and washing could dry a fool out, ya know?

After I'm fully dry and moisturized and my pits have been swabbed and my ears have been Q-Tipped, I slap on a tiny bit of aftershave. A few drops on the face, with the residual going on the chest and maybe across the back of the neck. I keep it very light. Men reeking of cologne is SUCH a cliche. I also use a newly purchased Nose Hair clipper, when needed. Why do I need that fucker so much suddenly? What's up with THAT?!?

Now, that isn't just a morning routine. I do the whole thing (except the teeth stuff) every evening at the gym. Also, swap out the Apricot Scrub for the Apricot CLEANSER (different stuff, kids!) at the gym. I do my teeth a second time just before I crawl into bed. On the weekends, if my workout was early enough in the afternoon, I'll do the whole routine a third time before I crash.

The fact is that I'm looking to EXPAND this routine to include better foot maintenance (I found something called a "Pedi-Egg" which looks like a cheese grater you use on the soles of your feet to scrape off the callouses -which I will be picking up next time I'm at the store), foot powder even, and maybe some goop especially for my eyes. You know, to keep them from looking all puffy an' stuff.

I know. I've never BEEN so gay! But I'm a clean motherfucker, my friends. And, this is helping me stay focused on my body and trying to improve myself as I try to lose more weight.


Oh, and HERE'S some weirdness I will confess: I have a tendency to sleep on my face. Seriously, no matter how I lie in bed before I fall asleep, I wake up with my face planted deep into the pillow, or the mattress, or whatever. I have no idea how I am managing to breathe, but it's true. I sleep on my face. Well, this issue has, over the years, done a number on my eyelashes. They don't curl up anymore. They, instead, grow directly downward. This causes them to get stuck in my freaking eyes a LOT, and it's quite a nuisance. It hurts sometimes. Besides, it looks weird.

So, now that I'm seeing a guy who dresses up like a woman (it's just a JOB!), he has suggested something, and I have followed his advice. I now own, and use, eyelash curlers. Go ahead and laugh, I know I do. But, it really helps keep the lashes out of my eyes. So, every night and every morning I pull the curlers out and tweak my eyelashes. If I ever start plucking my eyebrows someone PLEASE call the police!

The Week Ahead

I take my truck into the shop tomorrow morning to get the front windshield reseated onto the frame of the cab. I have owned this truck for over a year now, and have heard, since the first week after purchase, a "whistling" from the right side of the cab. When I would take it in to the dealership, I couldn't find anyone who could hear it other than me. I was frustrated and furious over it.

Well, last week I took the truck in for an oil change, and I met a service writer who mentioned that he has a pretty good ear when it comes to noises inside vehicles. I made him jump into the truck with me, and we drove around town, as I tried to point out the whistling problem I had.

And, praise God, he HEARD it too! - He also defended the shop techs who claimed that they couldn't hear this issue. As he points out, these are guys with machines and automatic wrenches right up against their heads as they work on engines. This was a very high frequency whistle. Truthfully, it only really bothered me late at night when the radio was off, and outside traffic was minimal. But it's been there, and I wanted it GONE!

I'm very excited to announce that I may have resolution to this issue some time tomorrow afternoon. YAY!

DQ Hits The Road

He'll be in Virginia for management training with his company for the next three weeks. I won't see him again until I pick him up from the airport on August 1st.

-Oh! Another factoid about him. He was asking me about the blog earlier in the week, so I gave him the address. I have no idea if that was a mistake. He says he will catch up on it while in Virginia. I don't think I have written anything here that I haven't said to his face, so I'm just going to assume that if he has any issues with what I've posted, that he will be honest and talk to me. Okay? okay!


I was going to write more, but I am wasting daylight here, I need to go get out into it. I'll fill you all in on a big vacation I will be taking at the end of the month.

More "Cram It Camera"!

Here are some pics of the other half of the of the staff of the department I supervise. Yes, it's a small group, there are only 7 of us in total (8 if ya count the part-timer).

This is Gerry. He is the other video tech that keeps the facility running. Dude is freaking MacGyver. He can fix sophisticated electronic equipment run using chewing gum, a paperclip, and some weird little metal thing he had stashed in the back of a drawer in his desk. He never throws anything away, and I have stopped making fun of that fact, because he has saved our asses NUMEROUS times with the shit he has squirreled away. He's native Texan, a Navy vet, and a countryboy. Can ya tell? He is amazing.

Meet Steve. Steve is my challenge, as a supervisor. Steve doesn't like me. I'm not too crazy about him, truth be told. Steve suspects I am gay, but I've never come out to him. He's a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda personality. Steve is a devout Christian, and believes gays will burn in Hell. Steve loved the Showtime series "The L Word" because, in his words, "lipstick lesbians are hot". See why I might have a problem here? Please note that Steve is not looking into the camera. That is because Steve rarely looks me in the eye.

And, finally, this is Jason. He's a part-timer in the Production department, but I throw hours at him to fill out his 20 per week that he is allotted. He's a good kid. He wants to be a "shooter"( a camera operator), but really loves learning all aspects of video production. I'm currently getting him training to fill in for Operator shifts should someone get sick, or take vacation time. I think he appreciates that I'm trying to find things for him to do.

So, that's the crew that I work with daily. Pretty good group, all things considered.

What A Feeling!

Maybe I don't feel exactly like this when I work out, but I'm pretty sure it looks as bad.

...okay, worse...

Sunday MopUp 07/06/08

Is that a roman candle in your pocket or are ya just glad ta see me? Welcome to my Sunday MopUp. Be warned that I have a short fuse...

Death Of An iPod

My freaking iPod bit the big one over a week ago. Was at the gym, had the headphones strapped to my melon, was jamming to some Foo Fighters and, suddenly, nothing. I could see that the songs were playing, but no sound was coming out. I switched to those nasty ear bud things. Nothing. I...uh...shook it. Didn't help. I wondered if it was a battery issue. I seemed to have plenty of juice left in it. So, I struggled with my work out, sans tune-age (which SUCKS ASS!), and then bolted for home. I rebooted the bitch. I got onto iTUNES and reloaded the entire program and library. Zip. Nada. Nothing. I let it charge back up some more. Didn't help.

So, I let it sit on my desk at home for a few days because, you know, maybe it needed to rest a bit.

By Sunday, I was completely aware that I was not going to be able to work out without having rock and roll blaring into my ear canals. I need this. By the way, have you ever listened to what goes on in a gym? One day I was on the treadmill next to this athletic young guy who was running a marathon on his treadmill, and the jerk was ripping farts as he ran. Didn't faze him a bit. Now, they didn't smell, but who wants to hear that? Good grief!

Sunday night, I call Apple Customer Service and talk to "Steve", a guy with a super thick Indian accent. He informs me that my warranty has expired and that if I want my player fixed, I would have to mail it to them. The cost of repair would be $140.00. I could expect my iPod back in about 10- 14 business days. OR, I could buy another NEW one, pay $179.00 (plus tax and shipping), get it back in 5-7 business days, and get a full one year warranty.

Steve Jobs is a motherfucker. We all know this, right?

I bought a new one. Ordered just what I had: a 30gig black "classic" iPod. It arrived on Thursday: a 30gig WHITE "classic: iPod.

I was furious. I ordered black, and got white.

Just so happens that I was talking to DQ when it arrived by FedEx. I threw a fit. His response was "does the black one SOUND better?"

Well, I'm certainly not going to mail this one back and have to wait another week because of a color issue. I NEED MY TUNES to work out! i cannot abide listening to the grunting, the farting, the swapping of casserole recipes by the other patrons at the YMCA! So, I am living with white. and, you know what? It's easier to find than the black one when it's stuffed down into the bottom of my gym bag.

4th Of July

DQ was out of town, and my best friend and his wife wanted some "alone time". I didn't dare show up at the small town fireworks show that I have gone to in the past, out of fear of running into The X. So, I sat at home. It's cool.

This Week's Movie

was "Hancock". Didn't suck. In fact, I enjoyed it. I find Jason Bateman to be completely watchable. He made the movie for me. I wasn't happy with the ending, and maybe I'll explain why some day but, for now, I'll just say that I had a good time.

I hope you all had a safe holiday, and still have all your fingers and toes. I'll be posting some more "Cram It Camera" shots later this week.

Sunday MopUp 06/29/08

Wall-E

Beautiful. Thoughtful. Perfect "Date Movie", seriously! I loved everything about this charming tale of a robot longing for Love.

Between this and "Kung Fu Panda", I feel like Hollywood is really trying to talk to me. Themes of Consumerism, Lethargy, Apathy, Self-Love, and Idealism are all OVER these two computer generated tales. Sure seems like The Universe is out to get my attention. I open my arms and feel myself in Its embrace.

I cried during this movie. Can't put my finger on why, exactly. I was just swept up in the Intent of the storytellers here. Tears collected and poured down my cheeks. It's just a very beautiful movie.

Go see it.

Dating

Spent time with DQ this week. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while, and he told me more than a few times how much he had missed me. He makes me smile. I admitted that I had missed him as well.

I like it when he crawls into my bed and just wants to sleep. But, we didn't sleep this weekend. We got into bed and then messed it up pretty good. He had a show to prepare for (ugh!) and I had errands to run, so our time together was pretty short. But it was sweet. Sex, then dinner, and a WHOLE BUNCH of yacking and kissing before, during, and after. The kid can talk. And, ya know, so can I...

He has a family reunion to go to next weekend, so I am kind of stuck on what to do for the 4th of July. It's not a big deal. But I'll miss him during the fireworks, whereEVER I see them, because I'll be thinking of OUR fireworks. Pretty cheesey, huh?

Gay Zombie!

A little sumthin-sumthin I found over at Joe.My.God (the best gay blog in the universe).

SMILE, You're On "Cram It Camera"!

This is my boss. He's already annoyed with me and my camera. I suspect he is jealous of its awesomeness.

He's really a nice guy, when you're not hounding him to "try and look like a nice guy!"

This is Rick. He one of the department's video technicians. He likes to jump out at me from around corners and shout my name. I intend to kill him one day.

This is Paul, one of the Operators that I supervise. He is quiet and well-mannered and often times brings me coffee. If I had to rescue one person from my department because the building was burning, it would be Paul. I need my coffee THAT much. Besides, he laughs at my jokes. Also, he's small enough for me to fit into a pocket, which is a plus when you are rescuing someone from a burning building.

Don't think you're getting off that easily. There will be more of this. You have been warned.

Sunday MopUp 06/22/08

Today's MopUp is all about one thing: I have gotten a Summer Cold. I believe I wore myself down a bit last week by increasing my workouts at the gym to TWO one-hour sessions a day. The first at 6AM, and then another at 7PM at night, with a full day at the office wedged in between. About three days of this and my body just said "Fuck it!" and I began to get sick.

I know. I pushed myself too hard. It's that obsessive/compulsive part of my personality that just can't deal with Moderation. No, when I like doing something, I overdo it. Every time. This explains my issues with food, sex and, at one point in my life, cocaine.

It's a lesson I have to revisit over and over again. Silly bear!

So, I took two days off from working out, bought some of that Zicam stuff, loaded up on Vitamin C, increased the fluids into my system, and have been sleeping every chance that I get. I must admit, compared to the Snot Farmer that I was on Thursday, I am in MUCH better shape now.

I went back to the gym yesterday, walked for an hour, and feel like I haven't gotten off track badly at all. In fact, the two days off might have been really good for my workouts. I felt strangely strong as that bitch The Treadmill, worked my ass over.

I'm going back today for another session, but I am not getting out of bed at 6AM to do this for the time being. 7PM is a much more reasonable time for me during the week. I just can't handle the extra stress right now.


How About A Video?



I don't know why this song reminds me of Summer, but it does. I guess it's the images in the video. I just know I have always loved this song, and I always pull it out around this time of year.

Take care of yourselves, my friends. Thanks for checking in!



Late Edition Addition!

I forgot to mention that I won a new digital camera in a contest at work. You betcha! It's a Canon PowerShot SD1100 IS that shoots 8.o megapixels and has all kinds of groovy shit to go along with it. This pleases me greatly because I have needed a camera FOREVER! I've never owned a digital camera before, in fact. The only thing lacking with this baby was that it came with a 32MEG memory card. Fuck that. I hoofed it over to the electronics store the night I got it and bought an 8GIG card for 39.99!

So, in keeping with learning how to use the boogar, I offer you a portrait of the trash toys I've collected from the summer movies that I have seen so far (I'm STILL pissed that I can't find anything Hulk):


For those of you keeping score, that's Ironman on the left, Po, the Panda on the right, and Speed Racer's Mach 5 up front.

Sunday MopUp 06/15/08

Well, hello there! Nice to see you. Come on in! I was just pouring myself a bucket of coffee and sitting down to catch a few friends up on what has been going on around here lately. I call this my Sunday MopUp. Feel free to sit a spell.


Lap Band Update

Drove out to Houston on Thursday, not really knowing what to expect. When I was there two weeks ago, I had a 5 pound loss for the previous two weeks. I wasn't very hopeful on this trip because I had to take a full week off of working out in order to let the blisters on my left foot heal up. So, I only had one week of working out under my belt in this two week period. I told myself that if I dropped three pounds that I would be satisfied, all things considered.

When they weighed me, I discovered that I had dropped another SEVEN pounds in that two weeks! SEVEN POUNDS! I just about floated off the scale.

This puts me at 62.2 pounds so far. It also means that I am 13 pounds from being able to use the scale at the gym to monitor my weight. See, I am currently too large for the scale, and the only way I know how I am doing is by making this 3 hour trek to Houston. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, Dr Davis was very complimentary of my progress and gave me another HALF a cc of saline into my band. This puts me at 7 cc's. He wants me to slow down on these fills, by the way. It would be VERY bad to overfill the band. It can cause lots of complications. In fact, I sat in the waiting room with a woman who is about to have her band removed and get the bypass because of complications from getting the band overfilled. It was a cautionary tale for me. Being overfilled can keep food from passing into the lower stomach so much that food collects in the pouch and you begin to stretch the pouch out. Too much stretching and the pouch can overhang around the outside of the band, which can cause food to be trapped, and also can create an opportunity for the pouch tissue to grow onto the band. Either of these scenarios is not good.

So, I'll probably forego a trip in two more weeks and see how I feel in a month. I need to slow down a little. The doctor says three and a half pounds a week in weigh loss is really kind of fast for this procedure. He was fine with me losing two and a half a week, but wants me to focus on eating well, and not overdoing it at the gym. He pointed out that I run the risk of losing muscle mass by losing this fast. That's when he got my attention.

I don't want to fuck this up.

Movies

Saw two this week:


I loved this movie. Old, tired story. Nothing new to it. But a great message for kids about self-acceptance, and acknowledging your own strengths. Lots of fat jokes, but done in a charming way. Jack Black was the perfect voice for Po, the daydreaming Panda. Dustin Hoffman did a terrific job as his Master. The other voice-over talent was a complete waste of money. Why use Angelina Jolie, Seth Rogan, and Jackie Chan if you aren't going to showcase them in any way? Their parts were so small it was ridiculous. Still, I liked this movie so much, I went on a crusade to find a Po action figure at MacDonald's. Took a while, but I found one. YAY!

Next...

All the online reviews I read just TRASHED this movie. Too bad. I enjoyed it. It wasn't as good as Ironman, of course, but it didn't suck. My main complaint is that they used Liv Tyler. This chick is NOT an actress. Never liked her, never will. Please, Hollywood, stop using this woman.

All in all, what this movie lacked was a sense of humor. WAY too serious for a comic book movie. But, it didn't suck.

I'm pissed that there are no Hulk action figures at any of the burger joints. I seem to be collecting the trash toys of the summer movies I see this year. I have an Ironman, a Mach 5 from "Speed Racer", and now a Po. Stupid, huh?

The Fag Bomb - Another Dickless Video

Courtesy "Goodie Bag" and the amazingly cool Kirby Ferguson. He never lets me down.

Sunday MopUp 06/08/08

My sunburned scalp is crumbling off the top of my head in chunks that look like fried rice, I drank a beer because it's so hot and humid outside that I am UBERcranky, and the beer has given me a bloat attack, and I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.

This is my Sunday MopUp, and if I puke on ya, I'll just have more to talk about while I hose you down. Some days, it doesn't seem worth it to show up here, huh?

Nudity Done RIGHT!

Went to a pool party Sunday night with the usual assortment of hairy, gay men. At 9PM, everything was very civilized and proper. I took DQ and he didn't seem impressed. By 11:30, the social lubricant had been applied generously and the pool party turned into a skinny dipping Extravaganza. Well, without too much "skinny". It was really wonderful to be surrounded by happy homos who weren't the least bit shy in sauntering around the pool naked, bumming cigarettes off each other, stealing the best beer in the coolers, playing Grab-Ass with any and all passers-by, and congratulating each other on endowment.

Not everyone got naked, plenty of guys remained clothed, but this was a charming and innocent gathering of friends who were delighted to be in each other's company, and it showed. There was no leering, or cruising going on. Just old friends on a hot, hot summer's evening. I reminded the host of what a great group of friends he has. Everyone was lovely.

There was no sex, no drug use, and no drama, but there was also no hiking boots, leathery saddle-bag butts, posing, or apparent skin cancers (as opposed to what I witnessed at Hippie Hollow last week).

Four dozen naked fat guys in a pool can be really fun to be around. YAY!

Little Victories

1. My skinniest pair of jean shorts fell to my ankles as I went up the stairs here at home this weekend. Now, granted, I wasn't wearing a belt, but I believe I am approaching the next smaller size of pants to wear.

2. I am now up to 3 miles on the treadmill in 60 minutes. I was supposed to go to a Big Man's event at a local gay bar this evening to socialize, but chose, instead, to hit the gym. The get-together will be every Sunday through the summer, so maybe I can be more organized and make next week's.

Father's Day

is next Sunday, and I found a book for my Dad that I think he will get a kick out of. It's by a writer from Sports Illustrated, and this guy signs on to caddy for some BIG names in the world of golf, as well as some big celebrities, and gets them to tell stories. Dad, being a golf FREAK, should dig it. It's called "Who's Your Caddy?" and will go into the mail tomorrow with a card, reminding him of what an amazing human being he is.

Poop Du Jour

Seriously, I had a bowel movement today that was kinda scary. Huge. Well formed and healthy, but unnatural in size. Long, it was. Have you ever been startled at something that came out of your butt?

Relax, I'm done. It's a fair question, but I'm sure you are disgusted with me. Sorry.

TGIF!



No sound on this. But I think you can still hear the pain.

Sunday Mop Up 06/01/02

Yes, I missed my deadline this week. Shoot me, 'k? It was a busy day. It's my Sunday MopUp on early Monday morning. Feel free to eat me if you have a problem with my timing.

Hippie Hollow

Austin has a place on the lake called Hippie Hollow. It's a "clothing optional" section of the lake. Yes, Austin has a nude beach. Well, it's really a nude part of the lake, there's no beach. Not even kinda. Turns out, it's on a part of the lake flanked by limestone cliffs and in order to navigate your happy ass to the water, you have to have the climbing skills of a mountain goat.

Let's all think back on my propensity of being a klutz and then try to imagine ME trying to walk on little, uneven, woodsy trails where one false step means you plummet to your death off of the cliff face and onto the jagged rocks below ( where naked people are spread-eagled and sunning themselves like big, weird lizards).

Yes, this was my Sunday afternoon, kids. Jimmy went to the nude beach. I have lived in this town since 1979 and I had never been before. I thought it was time. A friend invited me to meet him and a few friends and I couldn't really think of a good reason why I shouldn't experience this place.

And the reason turned out to be: because nudists are some crazy fucks.

Now, it's "clothing OPTIONAL", so there were many of us who remained in some type of attire. I, personally, kept my shorts and shoes on at all times. But LORDY there were some fierce ass cracks scaling those cliffs. Not just men, mind you. Women were all over the place as well. You would be walking down a trail and, out of nowhere, some naked guy would pop out from around the corner, all bronzed and flopping, or some woman would trot by, her brown boobs bouncing in the Texas sun.

I think it's strange to see a completely naked person in hiking boots, by the way. If your FEET need that kind of protection in the Texas brush, what kind of sense does it make to have your genitals waving at people passing by on a narrow trail surrounded by shit that could scrape and scratch and poke chunks of you? Why would anyone want to sit on the ground when it's covered in ants and gravelly bits? Texas has the Killer Bees, ya know.

And, if you are all proud of yourself for being a "Naturalist" , would you please leave the goddamned cellphone back up in the parking lot?

Do nudists fart around each other? Just wondering...

So, I spent about three hours in the blazing sun. I drank three beers and nearly fell to my death twice. It was fun. I went home proud of myself. For surviving, and for not getting an erection the entire afternoon.

Even though I bought a bottle of spray sunblock with an SPF of 75, I got fried. The part that hurts the most is on the top of my head. Yes, I didn't think to protect the place on my body where the protective hair of my youth is thinning to the point of non-existence.

I'm gonna be peeling like a leper in a few days. Should be gross.

Quick Update

Just back from Houston for another freaking fill of the lapband. Half a cc this time, I shit you not. I go back in four weeks for another half.

The great news is that I've dropped 5 pounds in the last two weeks. That takes me to 55 pounds since this process began. It's been slow-going after the initial loss from the liquid diet, but I appear to be picking up some momentum. All credit goes to the treadmill, that Machine Of Death, of course.

Speaking of which, my surgeon noticed my blistered toes on my left foot, while I was up on the exam table. He admonished me when I told him I hadn't seen my primary care physician about the condition of the foot. See, I kinda ripped it the fuck up when I forgot to bring a pair of socks with me to the gym last week and I worked out in shoes without socks. Yes, I am a Dumbass.

I've got some seriously blistered areas that need to heal. Not a good thing for a diabetic! So, I called and made an appt to see the doc while stuck in Houston traffic on my way home to Austin this afternoon. I'll see him tomorrow morning at 10:30AM.

But, back to my success, please: FIVE MORE POUNDS! YAY!

I love you all, both individually and collectively, and not in a sexual way (unless you want me to).

Sunday MopUp 05/25/08

I Gots Company!

Can't really talk this week, as I have a houseguest. The Chubby Avenger is down from Dallas and hanging out at Casa Del Jimbo for a few days. He hasn't ever really spent any time in Austin, I am being a tour guide. We're having fun. But, there is ONE thing I wanted to mention...

WTF, Dudettes?

Was working out yesterday at the YMCA, and a woman got on a treadmill a few machines down from me. We could see each other in the mirrored wall in front of us. The woman was very fit, obviously an accomplished runner, cuz she was WORKIN that treadmill, but I was completely distracted because she was working out IN A MINISKIRT!

Ladies, seriously, what in the hell is up with this? Surely it is inappropriate workout attire, yes? Is this a person who WANTS to attract attention, sexually, to herself? I have to tell you, I was transfixed, staring at her large muscular thighs, striding relentlessly. I could not help but watch as the little flap of material that she was trying to pass off as a skirt bounced and danced about her crotch. Yes, I'm gay, but I sincerely wanted to bend her over the arm rails of that treadmill and lick her sweaty parts. She caught me staring, and beamed at me with pride.

Bitch gets off to turning on old, fat fucks in the workout room? Good grief! Seems pretty desperate to me, a hot woman like that needing to show off in such a way.

And, it reminded me how much I miss cunnilingus.

Who knew?