Holiday News!

'Elf' jailed over dynamite hoax on Ga. mall Santa

MORROW, Ga. — A man dressed as an elf is jailed after police in Georgia say he told a mall Santa that he was carrying dynamite.

Police say Southlake Mall in suburban Atlanta was evacuated but no explosives were found.

Morrow police arrested 45-year-old William C. Caldwell III, who was being held without bond Thursday in the Clayton County jail. He was not part of the mall's Christmas staff.
Police say Caldwell got in line Wednesday evening to have his picture taken with Santa Claus.
Police say when Caldwell reached the front of the line, he told Santa he had dynamite in his bag. Santa called mall security and Caldwell was arrested.

Caldwell faces several charges, including having hoax devices and making terroristic threats.

___
Information from: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, http://www.ajc.com/

Unusual Monuments: Russia

The Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the city of Zheleznovodsk southern Russia recently unveiled a particularly unusual monument. The Enema Monument is a nearly 800 pound bronze statue of a syringe held by three children. This area of the country, near the Caucasus Mountains, is known for its mineral springs, the water of which is used in enemas to treat digestive disorders as well as other ailments.

Good Advice Can Come From Anywhere

Kim Cattrall Has Fallen on Hard Times
Tourist man to girlfriend, pulling out a ring: Will you marry me?
Bag lady, interjecting: Has he made you come yet?
Tourist girlfriend, terrified: Um... no?
Bad lady: Don't marry him 'till he makes you come.

--Central Park

Overheard by: Kari
via Overheard in New York, Oct 17, 2009

Naked News!

Dallas police seek pudgy naked backyard dancer

Thu Oct 8, 3:30 pm ET

DALLAS – Dallas police are looking for a man who they said repeatedly sneaks into backyards, dances around naked and then runs away. Police believe the man has been exposing himself in the same neighborhood since 2005. The most recent incident was on Sept. 30.

Police said he usually climbs a fence or goes through a gate and either dances naked or jumps in a swimming pool naked. Police said he also has danced naked on top of a backyard air conditioning unit.

Police said they're looking for a pudgy man who is about 6 feet tall and covers his face while dancing.

Dallas Police Senior Cpl. Janice Crowther said police want to catch him before it escalates into something worse.

DIRTY NEWS

Trucker flips his rig after masturbating while driving
Published: 24 Sep 09 14:24
CETOnline: http://www.thelocal.se/22272/20090924/

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident.
The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper.

"He was masturbating while the police interrogated him," police prosecutor Åsa Askenbäck told the newspaper. "He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road."

The truck driver was en route from Gothenburg to Borås at around 4am on Tuesday morning. The truck and trailer flipped over when he rammed his vehicle into the central division on route 40 south of Borås.The upturned vehicle blocked all traffic towards Gothenburg and one lane was closed in the direction of Borås.
The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick and was subsequently arrested for reckless driving and driving while under the influence of drugs.
The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation. The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him.

TT/The Local (news@thelocal.se/08 656 6518)

Shhhhhh!

wanna hear a secret?

okay.

I've got a boyfriend!

(I'm as stunned as you are.)

College Football Humor
well, for a University of Texas fan, anyway...

Q: What do the Oklahoma Sooners and marijuana have in common?

A: They both get smoked in Bowls.

New Year's Resolution

If yours is nothing more than promising not to vomit on someone tonight, it's all good.

Be careful out there, kids. And, between you and me, stop with the diaper, okay? Jesus.

Family

family family family family

seriously.

oh my god.

Sometimes The Best Thing On TV Is The Commercials

Here are three I am enjoying:

Game Stop



Arby's



Coke/Walmart

This last one might be too gooey, but I gotta tell you, as a guy who appreciates a little ditty done well, this is a sweet 30 second Holiday spot!

Completely Inappropriate

So, if Dan White had MARRIED Harvey Milk - instead of MURDERING him - he could have been Dan White-Milk, right?

Meet Lily!

A coworker's finest achievement, without a doubt! Please notice that the girl already possesses more raw talent than most American Dildo contestants.



I love that she already grasps the concept of "The Big Finish!"


Gay Travel Destinations

Sunday MopUp 12/06/08


The wind be blowin' in Texas, ya'll! I like it! Welcome to my weekly feeble attempt at sharing the cummings and goings of my world. I call it my "Mop Up", cuz it can get a little messy.

Leather Daddy

I have been out twice since Thanksgiving with a guy that I would label a "Leather Daddy". He is older than me by about 15 years or so. He is hypermasculine and aggressive and I am WAY outta my league with this guy. I have no idea what I'm doing when we get together. But, he sure seems to.

He looks like the LoveChild of Mr. Clean and Wilford Brimley. Shaved head, solid white goatee. Rides a Harley-Davidson. COMPLETE gentleman, when he speaks. But he doesn't talk much. More of a man of action, if you follow me...
[swoon]

I'm not sure he'll ever call back. I may have not been hardcore enough for him. It's okay. We went out twice and each time it ended up at his place and both times I ended up running away afterwards. Well, I didn't RUN run, but i sure skidattled pretty quickly. He was just SO intense. I freaked, okay? I'll spare you the details.

Anyways...I'm still learning who I am and what I want and what I like and what is important to me.

I guess I'm not a "BoyToy". At 50, I'm cool with that.

DQ

I called DQ last week and it was great to talk with him again. He tells me that he hasn't dressed up since July and, with the one exception of some "farewell show" coming up in January, is hanging his heels up for good. I wonder if that's possible...

He said some really sweet things to me, like that I opened his eyes to seeing that being a guy is a good and fun thing, and that he misses me, and that he learned some things about himself while we were dating. We agreed to keep in closer contact and I suspect I will be seeing him again soon. The sexual chemistry between us was real and good and worth a re-visit. I'm still not convinced that, besides the sex, we have much in common. But, we'll see...


Scared Of Santa


'Tis the season to freak out the little ones! For what it's worth, I'd be terrified to sit in the laps of some of these fucks, too! Click the pic to go to the site for more Horror.

Oh, One More Thing!

Fee Feasible Prophecies makes me laugh nearly every day!

Prop 8 - The Musical

Have you seen it? Wanna? Clicky.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Sunday Mop Up 11/30/08

Did you survive the holiday? Are you feeling bloated and groggy from all the artery-clogging gravies, starches, and fat that you consumed over the weekend? Did you kill a relative, or fantasize about the act at any point? Did you go out and brave Black Friday with all the others, bound and determined to make your Christmas budget go as far as you can?

Me? Nope. And to tell you the truth, I kinda felt left out. Welcome to my Sunday Mop Up, made with homemade stock and slow-cooked for extra flavor!

The Time Off That Management Forgot

I have vacation time to burn before the end of the year, and I was scheduled to take Friday, the 21st through tomorrow, Dec. 1st off. I had to go in on that Friday, Monday, and yesterday due to sports events that were dropped into my department's lap at the last minute. Seems that upper-management, even in the CABLE TV industry, thinks that tv just magically "happens". Fact of the matter is, everyone is so skittish and anxious about the security of their jobs, that most of us are more than happy to jump in to prove our worth and hope that the bean counters notice and appreciate us. Naive, I know.

Now, to figure out whether I will be able to take my Christmas vacation off, and not fail to meet the expectations of The Suits. I am presently scheduled to be off from Dec 19th through January 5th. I'm nervous as a cat about it.

Fat Ass Update

I've only dropped one freaking pound in the past two and a half weeks. I refuse to worry about this, because I am slogging away at the gym, more dedicated and productive than I have ever been. My trainer points out that I'm building muscle, which will affect the number on the scale. This I know.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

On an impulse, I buzzed my noggin to a prickly nub. The hair on my balding head is now only as long as the full beard I have grown out. We're talking Clipper Attachment 2, people. I thought it would be fun, and practical, to keep things Super Short for a bit. Seemed jock-ish. Well, my scalp is SO balding, that I truely look like a hairy pineapple. It's frightening. Some guys look SO hot and butch all buzzed up. I ain't one of them. You've got to have a square head to pull this look off. I am Zippy, The Pinhead.

I don't regret the attempt. It makes me laugh, and I am bound and determined to figure out who I am and what is important to me.

Just to add to the Self Torture, I am now slathering Rogaine up top, and Grecian Formula all over the beard. I smell like a Beauty Shop On Acid when I start to sweat on the treadmill. I doubt I will keep this up, but I want to feel younger as I am barreling towards my 50th birthday at the end of December. Too little, too late? No shit.

Christmas Is Coming!

Sent to me (and the whole family, in fact) by my deaf sister, Lisa. Is it any wonder that I became the man I am when you factor in the sense of humor of my family?

Actually, this is an animated .gif that ejaculates snowballs, but I can't seem to get Blogger to accept and post it. Huh. I wonder why? Well, maybe it's best this way. You get the idea.

News You Can Use!

Police arrest suspect vandal who allegedly left his greasy, graphic imprints around Neb. town
Associated Press

OMAHA, Neb. - Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."

Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both — on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it's "the act of a lone deviant."
"This isn't normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.," Scott said. "It's an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here."

The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.

Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top "wilderness" towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.

People from around the country send Valentine's Day cards to the city's post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.

The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.

He stopped over the fall and winter.

During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.

Sunday Mop Up 11/23/08

It's chilly in Texas. I like it. It's Sunday in Texas. I like that, too. It's time for my Sunday Mop Up. Meh.

My Favorite Holiday Of The Year!

I know, I've said it over and over, but MAN I love me some Thanksgiving! What a great concept: take a day to think about your Life and all the blessings you have in it. Shut up for a little bit and bask in Gratitude and Thankfullness (is that a word?) and Humility.

The important part is to go inward and reflect on all that you have been given. Tell people that you love that you love them. Acknowledge those who put up with your bullshit on a regular basis. You DO know that you can be a pain in the ass, right? Trust.

People always assume that I love Thanksgiving because I'm a fat guy and food is all over the place on that day. Wrong. I swear to God that it aint about the food.

For those of you who check in on me here, I'd like to thank you, as well. I feel very blessed that anyone would take the time to follow along. I am quite fond of many of you. I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful, relaxing, safe, and full of joy.

A Special Thanksgiving Message From Sarah Palin

In the event there might be two or three people in the country who haven't seen this yet, I feel compelled to share it. Let me give you some context:

Palin was invited this year to do the annual "Pardoning Of The Turkey" in Alaska. Probably a state event similar to the thing the Prez of the United States does every year, right?

Well, she goes, pardons the dang turkey, and then gets interviewed by a local news station. She talks about the presidential campaign, and what her plans for Thanksgiving will be - all while standing in front of a Turkey Slaughter Contraption while some very creepy Turkey Slaughter Technician, in blood-splattered pants, is killing turkeys directly behind her.

It's so amazingly ironic and stupid, or arrogant, that I can barely believe it wasn't a set-up. Please, judge for yourself:



Her moment as a viable political candidate on the national scene is as dead at the poor turkeys behind her. This thing may play in Alaska, but most of us are, surely, disgusted.

Sunday Mop Up 11/16/08

No.

Sunday Mop Up 11/09/08

Today is just a "Blow And Go". Sorry.

An Actress I Would Switch Teams For:

Elizabeth Banks

I saw Role Models this weekend. Paul Rudd is a funny damned guy. I always want to not like him in stuff, and I always get won over by him. Elizabeth Banks plays his girlfriend. She's in EVERYTHING nowadays. She was Laura Bush in "W". She was Miri in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno". She was on "Scrubs" for a while there. Chick is the new Michael Caine or something. She is in EVERYTHING.

So, back when I was a Breeder, I had a thing for blonde women. No idea why. What is weird is that blonde guys do ZILCH for me. I'd take a hairy redhead or brunette guy over a blonde ANY day. But women? Me likey the blondes.








I'm gonna see "Zack and Miri" next, cuz, you know, Seth Rogan is my babydaddy and now that I pledge my Allegiance to Elizabeth Banks, I can see it and have a hot bisexual fantasy which I will call "Seth and Elizabeth and jimmycity Make A Sex-Sammich"!

Fat Ass Update

I'm still about a pound or so away from hitting my Magic Number so that I can climb onto the scale at the gym and weigh myself. Rather than beat myself up about how slow this is going, I prefer to remind myself that by working out with a trainer, I am building some muscle mass which is cutting into the numbers on my fat loss.

It's cool; I'm dealing.

I Will Never Complain About My Job Again!



In comparison, I've got it easy!