Hello again!

Just a test to see if I can post from my phone...

Made Me Laugh

Rock The Urinal!

Someone at Billboard Brasil magazine has had the genius-slash-insane-slash-disgusting idea to experiment with alternative ways to play the guitar. A working guitar and amp has been installed in a urinal in the men's bathroom at Bar Aurora in Sao Paolo so that, yes, you guessed it, you can actually play your music with your pee -- and presumably hear your masterful composition echoing through the men's room. Suddenly all that time spent "drawing" designs in the snow doesn't seem like such a waste, does it?

- lifted from MSN.com's homepage.

I don't make the news, I just report it. Thank you.

Accordians: Not Just For Polkas Anymore!




Now if they would just cover some Skrillex, I'd be in Hog Heaven!

HAPPY NUDE YEAR!


Will 2012 be the year of the Apocalypse? We sure seem to be steam-rolling towards some horrible Inevitability, don't we? As a professional Worrier and pessimist, I want to encourage everyone to just get naked as much as possible in the upcoming year. If and when the world ends, I would like it to happen while I have my junk out. The odds are in my favor.

By the way, wanna see what I scored for Christmas from Ron this year? Behold:

Yep, He hit me with a Kindle Fire. It's much like an iPad2 without the feeling of getting raped.

I can check email, listen to music, play Words With Friends (the game that got Alec Baldwin in such trouble on that airplane - it's just Scrabble, which I LOVE playing), read books (I'm finishing up The Hunger Games trilogy), and watch X-tube on it. Ron plays Angry Birds. Freakin' hilarious. The only feature it doesn't have is a camera. No biggie to me. An iPad will cost you upwards of 600 bucks. This baby is a mere $200. MY kinda price-point.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hope ya got stuffed!

Sex Or Sandwiches

I think I've figured out why I'm not good at Morningsex.

I've known for decades now that Morningsex isn't my favorite time of day to be gettin' all sexed up, but I couldn't really put my finger on WHY. However, I think I've finally figured it out.

See, for me, the very reason to even get out of bed in the morning is to begin the adventure of How To Get Laid Today. This quest motivates me to properly bathe and groom myself, and even gets me to my place of employment, because I'm pretty sure homeless fat guys get sex less often than those who bring home a paycheck (NOT that we have to pay for sex...that is NOT what I'm saying!).

I think about sex all day, hoping that I'll score. It rules all thought processes. It gets me home from work each night, looking for signs from the my partner that I'm going to get lucky. Truth is, most times I want it, I get it. I'm really fortunate in that way. So, sometime that evening, like winning the lottery on a pretty dang regular basis, I hit the jackpot. And afterwards all happy and content, I fall asleep. And sleep is only to allow me to recharge so that I can begin my quest all over again in the morning and have my reason for crawling outta the womb/cacoon that is our bed. It's a beautiful thing, really.

But what happens if I get that sex as soon as I wake up in the morning? Sure, my back isn't as stiff after having been bent into a human pretzel, but why get out of bed after a satisfying orgasm? The fact is, the first thing I want to do after morningsex is TAKE A NAP.

I lose all motivation to get out into the world after I rope. Fuck work. Really. I just want to call in and report that I need a "Limp Day", cuz I am DONE! There's no need to get out of bed at all.

Well...except to eventually have lunch.

Yeah. If I'm not fantasizing about sex, I am fantasizing about sandwiches.

Summer Reading

Earlier this summer, I was going to try and help my Dad's wife with a story she wrote a few years back. It is a love story set in Wyoming, around a family of ranchers. She wanted help embellishing the characters. I thought I would turn to a wonderful western epic for inspiration, so I pulled out "Lonesome Dove" and re-read it.

Man, I had forgotten what a monster this novel is. Beautiful, beautiful stuff! I thoroughly enjoyed going back to the cattle drive with Augustus and Call. If you have never read this book, I encourage you to pick it up.

Presently, I am knee-deep in a piece of literature that continues to be controversial and timely. I don't know why I never read any Ayn Rand (pronounced "Ine"- like "mine") before. Maybe because her writing style is so...dense? Intimidating?

Well, what with all that is going on in this country, both economically and politically, and since Ron and I saw the summer release of the independently produced movie of the first part of this novel, we picked up "Atlas Shrugged".

Dude, this is a chilling and mesmerizing cautionary tale that I think deserves to be read and pondered. At over 1200 pages, I'll be working on this until Christmas (I'm a slow reader because I have to move my lips as I read to sound out the big words). But, at 300+ pages into it, my head is spinning. It's just awesome that a novel written in the 1950's can feel so current and fresh.

I've mentioned this book to many of my liberal friends. They are AGHAST that I would waste my time on such crap. I'm stunned that they don't see the value in this work. I think it is remarkable (hence, I'm remarking on it. See how that works?).

Central Texas Is Burning

BASTROP, Texas — Texas officials say the number of homes destroyed by a massive wildfire raging east of Austin has risen to 1,554. They also say 17 people are unaccounted for.

Bastrop County Sheriff Terry Pickering said Sunday the missing people could simply be out of town, but authorities have been unable to contact them.

County emergency management director Mike Fisher says the number of homes destroyed is expected to rise further as officials enter more areas where the fire has been extinguished.

The blaze in Bastrop erupted a week ago when blustering winds whipped up by Tropical Storm Lee blew over parched, drought-stricken Texas. The fire is the largest of more than 190 raging throughout the state.

A blaze has consumed more than 20,000 acres in a tri-county area north of Houston.

Skydiving Update!

Okay, here's the deal:

We're not going to skydive on Ron's birthday in October. It's not because we aren't doing well on the weight loss, it's because I'm afraid of screwing up my back, more than it is presently screwed up.

See, back in July I had a mishap at the gym. I was in the shower/wet area of the lockerroom, and I slipped and fell hard on my back. I don't blame the gym, I certainly could have been more careful. Well, my back is STILL causing me problems. It feels like the vertebrae in my lower spine got all compressed. Sometimes I get a stabbing pain deep in my right buttcheek. I am going to the doctor on Monday to report back to my Primary Care Physician that I have not fully recovered from the fall. My guess is that he'll send me to a specialist, and I'll have a bunch of physical therapy in my future. Maybe even chiropractic. Who knows? ...I guess I will after my appointment on Monday...

The point is: I'm well into my 50's, still overweight, and dealing with some medical issues with my back. How could landing on my feet from a jump, even if all goes smoothly, not be a risky thing for my condition? I'm all for Adventure and Fun and How Freaking Cool Is This?!? but I'm not a dumb ass.

Ron totally understands and supports this decision. Fact is, he MIGHT be a little relieved that he doesn't have to go through with it... although I COULD suggest that since it is HIS birthday, after all, HE could still jump without me.

That'll never happen.

Kittywood Studios!



Ron watches cat and dog videos on the internet all the time. If I hear him laughing in the computer room, I know he's surfing animal videos. Me?: uh, no dude. Your cute pet is about as interesting to me as your ugly baby.

BUT, don't be surprised if I upload a video or two of Shelley at some point. Yeah, I've become one of THOSE people that think THEIR pet is PERFECT.

God help me.

Introducing Our Newest Family Member

Shelley

On Memorial Day Weekend, we adopted a cat. Ron has been asking for a pet for a year now and, although I consider myself a "dog person", I don't think it's fair to have a dog in a small townhouse that doesn't have a yard for a dog to protect and call their own. The compromise was getting a house cat.

The rules were simple: no kittens, had to be a rescue, and it had to be a fat cat. Our household is for chubby mammals only.

So, we found Shelley, after initially looking at another cat. I don't know, she looked at me like "yeah, whatever" and I was hooked.

And, surprisingly, I'm really not sorry about the decision.

Shelley cracks me up.

Shall I share a story? I think I shall.

On nights when Ron has to work, I'll be in bed around 10:30PM while he is showering and dressing. She's nowhere to be seen then, but shortly after he leaves the house and things have settled down, she'll jump up on the bed and "tuck me in" - which is really just a demand for attention (scratches and pets) - before I fall asleep. Any time she gets up on the bed, though, she is really noisy and loud. This cat is very vocal. It's like she's bitching that I haven't been petting her enough and just gives me Hell. However, she'll only take about five minutes of strokes, and then she jumps off the bed. She is done with me. I am dismissed, and she has important shit to do.

Later.

Sometimes I call out "You're WELCOME!" as I hear her bounding down the stairs, because you really get NO sense from her that she appreciates your consideration.

She usually doesn't get back in my face until about 6 or 7AM - when she wants attention again, and the bitching starts all over. She really IS a Diva.

So, last night Ron leaves at 10:50PM and by 11:05, she's up on the bed, instructing me on where she wants scratched. A lot of time is wasted as she tries to find the most comfortable place on the bed to lie. This is a nightly occurrence. There's a lot of circling and sniffing and almost-lying-down and popping back up that goes on. And, while this hunt goes on, I had BEST be scratching and petting, by God, and she's quick to remind me. Often times the perfect place is just beyond my arm's reach, which annoys her and makes her have to get back up and start the process all over again when I can't connect with her. She grumbles about it the entire time. So,finally last night, after the allotted five minutes of acceptable appreciation of her is complete, she bolts without even a "thank you", as per usual.

"Of course," I say to the empty room and I roll over to fall asleep.

At 11:20, Ron calls because he has forgotten some important paperwork that he needs. I get up, dress, and take the papers to him at the hotel. When I get home, I crawl back into bed but can't fall asleep right away, so I grab my phone and start playing a little game app on it to kill some time and make me sleepy.

Thirty minutes later I'm drowsy, so I turn off the phone, set it on the nightstand and tug on the comforter that I'm under, and roll over. At the instant that I tug and turn, I see Shelley, in the corner of my eye, being launched in the air at my feet with a startled "Meow!". Without me realizing it, she had quietly jumped back up onto the bed and snuggled at my feet on the top of the comforter while I played on my phone. Pulling on the blanket and turning at the same time had trampolined her into the air. While we were BOTH surprised, I reacted by bursting out laughing. She, on the other hand, was thoroughly pissed off. Seriously angry kitty. She didn't jump off the bed and run away, but instead marched up the bed towards me, put her little face up to mine and gave me an adamant "Rrrrarphhh!", which I figure means "What the FUCK?" in Cat. I swear to God, she was GLARING at me.

I apologized, sincerely and repeatedly, but she demanded ten extra minutes of "penalty attention", about which I did not argue. I figured it was only fair. She ended up on her back with her belly upwards, and her legs splayed out, while I rubbed and scratched her tummy. Ten minutes later, she rolled back upright, sneezed, stretched, and was done with me. She jumped off the bed and headed downstairs without even looking back.

Later.

I think I'm forgiven, but it's hard to tell...

What I'm Listening To This Summer





Oh.My.God!


I fancy myself an audiophile. I like keeping up on what's out there and discovering new bands and fresh music.

Somehow or another I missed a BIGGIE.

Have you heard Elbow? They are British, they've been around for years, and they are adored in the U.K. Their sound is orchestral, dense, deep, and beautiful. I was only just introduced this summer. Proof I'm not NEARLY as hip as I think I am. Humbling, it is.

I'm going to post some clips now. They released a new album in March titled "Build a Rocket Boys!" Guy Garvey, the singer and lyricist, just blows my head off. Click on these, turn the sound up, and LISTEN!

Here's a clip that is a live version of a track off their last record "Seldom Seen Kid" that was recorded with the BBC Orchestra and the Chantage Choir. This is "One Day Like This":





And, lest you think these guy's can't ROCK, I'll post one more:





How refreshing is it to see a band that isn't a manufactured cliche?



Man, I LOVE these guys. I encourage you to search for more clips on YouTube (there are MANY) and maybe pick up a record. You know, BUY one.

Hello, I'm Back and Here's A Little Of What's Going On

Ron and I are focusing on weightloss this summer.

I need to lose 25 pounds by October 20th so that we can skydive on his 40th birthday.

The skydiving place has a weight limit, and I need to shed the 25 to be eligible to intentionally jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

It's a weird motivation for weightloss. But, I'm into it.

I'm looking forward to crapping my jumpsuit at 5,ooo feet (or whatever the height will be), and screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" into the ear of the poor professional who will be strapped to my ass as we fall in tandem.

If I live through this, it will be COOL!

The 2011 Grammys

If you are pissed off that Lady Gagme or Eminem didn't win "Album Of The Year" - or that the little freak who looks like Donny Osmond 40 years ago didn't win "Best New Artist" - or that you "never heard of them ever" when Arcade Fire won (that's what Rosie O'Donnell bitterly tweeted) - well, I have some news for you:

1. Lady Gaga can't make up for a lack of real talent just by increasing costume changes and encouraging gay people to be more gay.

2. Eminem's anger is schtick that is schtuck and worn out and stupid.

and

3. Justin Beiber is merely packaged product and once he hits puberty, his forehead is gonna break out into a BILLION zits, and he will probably be in rehab before he turns 20. The kid is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

I'm really annoyed that so many people are bitching about who won this year. Let's understand something. The Grammy's are not voted on by the public at large. The voters for this award, like the Oscars for movies, are people IN THE INDUSTRY. If YOU have never heard the music of someone who won, maybe that's a clue for you to open your fucking ears and your mind and venture past the crap that is top selling and investigate what else is out there that might JUST be some good shit as well.

Not everything is American Idol or an episode of Glee, fer Christ's sake.

By the way, if you are a fan of either of those shows: you suck.

Stupor Bowl 2011

I didn't care who won or lost.
Pro football pisses me off. I'm a college football fan.

Christina Aguilera should be shot.

I enjoyed several of the commercials. The Snickers and Doritos were my faves, the latter was simply weird and disturbing, but I laughed. There's a big uproar about the commercial where the baby gets slammed into the glass wall and slides down. I, for one, loved it. It should be pointed out that I have no children of my own.

Half Time was a disaster.

In fact, they should change their name to "Black Eyed Penis", because I'd rather be socked in the cock than have to sit through that crap ever again.

Cooking with jimmy!

A fast food favorite of mine...

Cooking with Jimmy!

Today, we make a "jimmycity sandwich"!

First, you take a big chunka some Adam Richman (from 'Man vs. Food').

Then, a dollop of ME!

And then some Patton Oswalt (he's just a little thing, so he gets to be on top).

Delicious!

Chicken vs Penguin

A young filmmaker in Austin recently on $100,000.00 smackeroos from Nikon for this little gem. I can't seem to embed the video in this post, you all I can offer is a link.

Enjoy!