Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sunday Mop Up 11/30/08

Did you survive the holiday? Are you feeling bloated and groggy from all the artery-clogging gravies, starches, and fat that you consumed over the weekend? Did you kill a relative, or fantasize about the act at any point? Did you go out and brave Black Friday with all the others, bound and determined to make your Christmas budget go as far as you can?

Me? Nope. And to tell you the truth, I kinda felt left out. Welcome to my Sunday Mop Up, made with homemade stock and slow-cooked for extra flavor!

The Time Off That Management Forgot

I have vacation time to burn before the end of the year, and I was scheduled to take Friday, the 21st through tomorrow, Dec. 1st off. I had to go in on that Friday, Monday, and yesterday due to sports events that were dropped into my department's lap at the last minute. Seems that upper-management, even in the CABLE TV industry, thinks that tv just magically "happens". Fact of the matter is, everyone is so skittish and anxious about the security of their jobs, that most of us are more than happy to jump in to prove our worth and hope that the bean counters notice and appreciate us. Naive, I know.

Now, to figure out whether I will be able to take my Christmas vacation off, and not fail to meet the expectations of The Suits. I am presently scheduled to be off from Dec 19th through January 5th. I'm nervous as a cat about it.

Fat Ass Update

I've only dropped one freaking pound in the past two and a half weeks. I refuse to worry about this, because I am slogging away at the gym, more dedicated and productive than I have ever been. My trainer points out that I'm building muscle, which will affect the number on the scale. This I know.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

On an impulse, I buzzed my noggin to a prickly nub. The hair on my balding head is now only as long as the full beard I have grown out. We're talking Clipper Attachment 2, people. I thought it would be fun, and practical, to keep things Super Short for a bit. Seemed jock-ish. Well, my scalp is SO balding, that I truely look like a hairy pineapple. It's frightening. Some guys look SO hot and butch all buzzed up. I ain't one of them. You've got to have a square head to pull this look off. I am Zippy, The Pinhead.

I don't regret the attempt. It makes me laugh, and I am bound and determined to figure out who I am and what is important to me.

Just to add to the Self Torture, I am now slathering Rogaine up top, and Grecian Formula all over the beard. I smell like a Beauty Shop On Acid when I start to sweat on the treadmill. I doubt I will keep this up, but I want to feel younger as I am barreling towards my 50th birthday at the end of December. Too little, too late? No shit.

Christmas Is Coming!

Sent to me (and the whole family, in fact) by my deaf sister, Lisa. Is it any wonder that I became the man I am when you factor in the sense of humor of my family?

Actually, this is an animated .gif that ejaculates snowballs, but I can't seem to get Blogger to accept and post it. Huh. I wonder why? Well, maybe it's best this way. You get the idea.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

News You Can Use!

Police arrest suspect vandal who allegedly left his greasy, graphic imprints around Neb. town
Associated Press

OMAHA, Neb. - Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."

Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both — on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it's "the act of a lone deviant."
"This isn't normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.," Scott said. "It's an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here."

The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.

Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top "wilderness" towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.

People from around the country send Valentine's Day cards to the city's post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.

The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.

He stopped over the fall and winter.

During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sunday Mop Up 11/23/08

It's chilly in Texas. I like it. It's Sunday in Texas. I like that, too. It's time for my Sunday Mop Up. Meh.

My Favorite Holiday Of The Year!

I know, I've said it over and over, but MAN I love me some Thanksgiving! What a great concept: take a day to think about your Life and all the blessings you have in it. Shut up for a little bit and bask in Gratitude and Thankfullness (is that a word?) and Humility.

The important part is to go inward and reflect on all that you have been given. Tell people that you love that you love them. Acknowledge those who put up with your bullshit on a regular basis. You DO know that you can be a pain in the ass, right? Trust.

People always assume that I love Thanksgiving because I'm a fat guy and food is all over the place on that day. Wrong. I swear to God that it aint about the food.

For those of you who check in on me here, I'd like to thank you, as well. I feel very blessed that anyone would take the time to follow along. I am quite fond of many of you. I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful, relaxing, safe, and full of joy.

A Special Thanksgiving Message From Sarah Palin

In the event there might be two or three people in the country who haven't seen this yet, I feel compelled to share it. Let me give you some context:

Palin was invited this year to do the annual "Pardoning Of The Turkey" in Alaska. Probably a state event similar to the thing the Prez of the United States does every year, right?

Well, she goes, pardons the dang turkey, and then gets interviewed by a local news station. She talks about the presidential campaign, and what her plans for Thanksgiving will be - all while standing in front of a Turkey Slaughter Contraption while some very creepy Turkey Slaughter Technician, in blood-splattered pants, is killing turkeys directly behind her.

It's so amazingly ironic and stupid, or arrogant, that I can barely believe it wasn't a set-up. Please, judge for yourself:

Her moment as a viable political candidate on the national scene is as dead at the poor turkeys behind her. This thing may play in Alaska, but most of us are, surely, disgusted.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sunday Mop Up 11/16/08


Sunday, November 09, 2008

Sunday Mop Up 11/09/08

Today is just a "Blow And Go". Sorry.

An Actress I Would Switch Teams For:

Elizabeth Banks

I saw Role Models this weekend. Paul Rudd is a funny damned guy. I always want to not like him in stuff, and I always get won over by him. Elizabeth Banks plays his girlfriend. She's in EVERYTHING nowadays. She was Laura Bush in "W". She was Miri in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno". She was on "Scrubs" for a while there. Chick is the new Michael Caine or something. She is in EVERYTHING.

So, back when I was a Breeder, I had a thing for blonde women. No idea why. What is weird is that blonde guys do ZILCH for me. I'd take a hairy redhead or brunette guy over a blonde ANY day. But women? Me likey the blondes.

I'm gonna see "Zack and Miri" next, cuz, you know, Seth Rogan is my babydaddy and now that I pledge my Allegiance to Elizabeth Banks, I can see it and have a hot bisexual fantasy which I will call "Seth and Elizabeth and jimmycity Make A Sex-Sammich"!

Fat Ass Update

I'm still about a pound or so away from hitting my Magic Number so that I can climb onto the scale at the gym and weigh myself. Rather than beat myself up about how slow this is going, I prefer to remind myself that by working out with a trainer, I am building some muscle mass which is cutting into the numbers on my fat loss.

It's cool; I'm dealing.

Monday, November 03, 2008

I Will Never Complain About My Job Again!

In comparison, I've got it easy!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Sunday MopUp 11/02/08

I got an extra hour of sleep last night? Are you kidding? Why am I so drag-ass today, then? This is my week ending post I call my Mop Up, because my life could use a good swabbing on a regular basis.

I Voted Early

on Friday. So, why don't I feel good about it? Maybe because I don't buy a thing these puppets are slinging. Maybe because I am disgusted with the process. Maybe because I'm tired and scared and don't see any real leadership or ideas out there.

Look, before we can correct our problems, I believe we need three things to happen:

1. Term Limits on Congress

These fuckers are the real issue, people. Career bureaucrats who make laws that the rest of us must abide. "Public Servants" my ass!

2. Line Item Veto for the President

Want to stop the pork barrel projects and trim governmental spending? Give the President the ability to cut the crap out with a stroke of a pen.

3. Kill All Lobbyists

Feed their remains to the Homeless? Just an idea...

I'll be glad when this horrendous election is over.

jimmycity Goes To A Concert

Saw TV On The Radio on Thursday. Some kid standing next to me passed me a joint. I took a few puffs. First time I've been high in about 8 years. Freaked me OUT! I spent how many decades stoned and in this condition? Good grief! I'm done getting high, people. I'm dangerous enough sober, thank you very much. I need the few braincells I have left.

I think I drove home going about 25 miles an hour on the freeway. It'll never happen again.

The band was great, by the way. I think I have a crush on the bearded guitarist/singer in the band. He was shy, soft-spoken, chunky, and...bearded!

Christmas Shopping

Look, I'm not the kind of fag that enjoys shopping. In fact, Christmas shopping is about the most unpleasant experience I ever have. But, this year, I've known what I want to get my family for their gifts. And on Friday, I found a mailer advertising a very special sale on Saturday at Kohl's where these things would be available.

I'm giving everyone digital picture frames. The family will go ape shit over them, I'm fairly sure. But the things aint cheap. I had them priced between 80 - 200 bucks. Well, this sale offered an off-brand for $59.99. I was there Saturday morning.

Well, then I find out that if I apply for a store credit card, they will knock 15% off the sale price. If I get ACCEPTED, they will knock another 15% off. So, kiddies, I bought 5 of them and spent $217.00!

And I'm so excited about the deal, if there were ANY doubts about my sexuality, it is pretty apparent now. Gay guys love a good bargain, ya know.

Fat Ass Update

I'm working out on Thursday, my trainer in front of me, as I am squeezing a puny amount of weight on some torture contraption, when I notice that he keeps pushing on his belly around the waistline of his shorts.

"Daniel?" I ask. "Do you have a hernia?"

"Ummm..yeah. But it don't hurt or nothing," was the reply.

So, I go into a long tirade about how dangerous one can be. I point out that every time I see him, he is doing crunches, or straining and sweating and grunting. I suggest he think about going easy on provoking it with excessive strain. He looks at me like I've lost my mind. Hey, I'm a fat guy. What could I know? I leave it alone and focus on my workout.

Later, in the shower, I think about the fact that this is a kid who I have hired to help, coach, and protect ME from injury, and he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing to himself. I vow to continue on with him, because my workouts are, in comparison, pretty freaking light. But I have vowed to consider what he suggests for me carefully, as I progress. I am NOT going to hurt myself, damn it!

Then, while soaping up, I broke into a little song (sung to the tune of "Centerfold" by J. Geils Band):

He's got a bulge
But not the kind that I indulge!
My Trainer has a hernia
-Trainer has a hernia
(na na nana na na
na na na nana nana na na!)

[Late Edition Addition: I just got home from running some errands where I found gasoline for $1.999 a gallon! I was so thrilled that I filled up and considered sticking the pump nozzle up my ass just to stash an extra gallon or two. Don't worry; I didn't.]