Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The End Of DAY ONE

Really, it was easy. I bought the pre-mixed shakes, so I don't have to mess with a blender or a shaker. I woke up at 8am and had the first one: a little box, the same size as your kid's juice box. Six ounces of stuff that really is just SlimFast. Tastes the same.

I went to work with two boxes in my coat. Had another at noon, and the second at 4pm. In between, I drank water. LOTS of freakin water. I downed over three liters in the eight hours I was at work.

I peed 6 times in those eight hours.

A coworker microwaved a bowl of those flavored oriental noodles at noon and, I'm not kidding you, I began salivating like Pavlov's dog. I jumped up and ran out of the facility for a few minutes.

The first day is easy. It's all new. In a week, I am going to be one grouchy mofo. I can see it coming.

I came home from work and had another box at 8pm. And I'm now finishing my last for the day.

Five juiceboxes full of sludge every day.

Oh, and I bought some sugar-free mints for when my breath turns rancid (and when I go into ketosis, it will). I popped three today, just in case.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow...

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sunday MopUp 01/27/08

Hi, kids! It's my Sunday routine of doing housework, preparing for another week of work, and catching up on all things jimmy in a blog post while I tank up on coffee. I call it "Sunday MopUp", my friends call it "that other way you masturbate".

Let's begin, shall we?

Food Glorious Food

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm freaking about my impending liquid diet that begins on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Everything I put in my mouth right now feels like grieving over a friend that hasn't died yet, but is gonna flatline shortly. How pathetic! Why can't I focus on the fact that my relationship with food has been dysfunctional and toxic? Why not welcome this new strategy and be enthusiastic?

Well, because I am addicted to food, as all fat people are. And, unlike most addictions, I am still going to have to deal with food the rest of my life. I can't just cut it out entirely. It's not like I can just put the starch-pipe down and walk away.

I loves me some starch. (sigh)

I'm a big baby. And, beyond all of that, as I have stated before : I am a worrier. This is me worrying about what begins on Tuesday/Wednesday.

If you check this blog out with any kind of regularity, prepare yourself for a buttload of wailing and hand wringing and gnashing of teeth. What I am about to go through is the single most important thing I have ever attempted, and I am certain that I will be venting like a mofo here.

It aint gonna be pretty.


Why is it that some people think that fat people don't have sex? Maybe they think we SHOULDN'T have sex. Maybe it's that they can't imagine anyone WANTING to have sex with a fat person, and therefore have determined that such things never occur. Whatever.

I am a sexual being. I have sex, am good at sex, and you are missing out if ya haven't had sex with me.

Sucks to be you.


I can't help but mention this, since we are all being bombarded with it in the media. I am a fiercely independent voter. I have voted Republican, Democrat, and Independent in the past. I am watching what is going on carefully, and I am dismayed.

I'm pretty unexcited about everyone running.

But, what I am REALLY annoyed with is that there are SO many people who are ardent supporters of one candidate or another already. People, we need to examine what is being said carefully and question and hold each one up to the magnifying glass before we pledge any allegiance. I, for one, am not hearing much out of anyone that I can really say is fresh and exciting. Well, with the exception of Ron Paul. God bless him.

I am furious with folks who are looking at the candidates as "who can win" instead of "who represents your values".

The two-party system in this country is broken. It is corrupt. It sickens me. To think that the Democrats are any different than the Republicans is naive. We are being managed and manipulated. And it scares the shit out of me.

How About A Video?

While fooling around at another blog, I remembered this song from a few years back. I used to cover it myself for a while. In this political season, I thought it seemed relevant.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Crack A Smile!

Okay, I admit it. I think buttcrack is incredibly cute. On anyone, really. We all have one, and that beginning on the top of the cleft is just adorable. From babies to geriatrics, it's all good. I know. I'm insane.

And I do NOT mean that I find it "sexually stimulating". No way. I find it sweet, endearing, if you will. Funny even, I guess. I want to walk up to the person and whisper "Baby/Buddy, your ass is hangin' out!"

By the way, I HATE the low-rise jean thing. If you are over 21 years of age, or 120 pounds, they should be ILLEGAL! But that's more about the Tummy Pooch and the Love Handle Squeezings that I cannot abide. The Crack is ALWAYS cool with me.

One Last Note:

This Kirby guy is pretty cute. He's funny. He's smart. He might be my new blogcrush.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Just So You Know...

I go to the cardiologist tomorrow to get an EKG because on TUESDAY of next week I meet with a doctor who is going to put me on a medically supervised LIQUID DIET so that I can drop 30 pounds in preparation for my lapband surgery.

Things I can expect while on liquids and ingesting a mere 800 calories a day:

Loss of energy
(really, both can occur- just not at the same time)
Increased irritability (my co-workers have been warned)
(okay, I made that one one up)

Well, after about 5 days, they say it will get easier. We'll see.

I'll be watched closely, blood drawn weekly, meet with a nutritionist weekly, and attend a mandatory group therapy session weekly. I dread that last requirement. I want to strangle people on a FULL stomach, I can't IMAGINE how I will handle Retardedity when I'm jonesing for a cheeseburger.


Holy CRAP!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

That Little Shit Was Right!

Seriously. My 401k is freaking DOOMED! You KNOW we're up to our asses in a huge problem when the Fed drops interest rates by three quarters of a point OVERNIGHT and we still have a bloodbath the next day. I was at work, watching the carnage on one of the news channels and I was lactating, I was so nervous.

And then the news about Heath Ledger. Damn. Weird Sad news day.

Monday, January 21, 2008

We've Come A Long Way, Baby!

On today, MLK Day, I can't help but be a little hopeful that we are, in fact, progressing as a culture, a society, a nation. I want to believe that Dr. King would be pleased to see that, in this political season, we have not only a black man running for President of the United States, but a woman as well.

Oh, these are troubled times, to be sure. Leaders are hard to find. But, you know, I think maybe they always have been scarce.

Abraham, Martin, and John

Has anybody here seen my old friend Abraham?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He freed a lot of people,
But it seems the good they die young.
You know, I just looked around and he's gone.

Anybody here seen my old friend John?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He freed a lot of people,
But it seems the good they die young.
I just looked around and he's gone.

Anybody here seen my old friend Martin?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He freed a lot of people,
But it seems the good they die young.
I just looked 'round and he's gone.

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?

And we'll be free
Some day soon, and it's a-gonna be one day ...

Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up over the hill,
With Abraham, Martin and John.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

An Open Letter To Sue Doe-Nim

Dear Sue,

What the FUCK? I can't read your blog because I have not been "invited"? Sue, baby, invite me, fer cryin' out loud! I LOVE you! This is so wrong. It's like you've stepped on my penis or something.



An Open Letter To Constant Winter

Dear Constant, or Dear Winter...or whatever,

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? Between you and Sue, I haven't felt this rejected by women since I admitted to being a knob-gobbler. Let me IN! Fix your shit or email me the secret code or something. I miss you.


yada yada yada

An Open Letter To Bigg

Dear Bigg,

I love you buddy. I think about you a lot. Stay strong.



Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Blogging From The Airport

Sitting here in Orlando International waiting for my sardine can to arrive. Hey, why does THIS airport offer free internet, but in Austin ya gotta pay for access?

LOTS of woofy guys here. But also a lot of kids. Thanks, Mickey Mouse...

[Late Edition Addition: I'm HOME! Took less than an hour from touch down at the airport for me to be home, naked, showered, laundry started, and in my bed! I'm only resting; I am CRAZY horny, and about to go hunt me some wildebeast! Don't wait up!]

Monday, January 14, 2008

Hello From Florida!

It's all over, the party thing, and I've had a great visit with all my family. The dvd went over well, I didn't flub up the toast, and I was even stunned to find out that I was seated at the head table, with my Dad and his wife, and his brother and his wife. What an honor that was for me!

Dad was aghast when he opened the door to the room, and we all shouted "SURPRISE!" at him. We were a little worried when he then didn't continue to walk into the room, but cornered his wife behind the door. It looked like he was going to kill her. She later told me that he was reminding her that they had made a promise to each other to never throw a party like this for each other, and she broke that promise.

Dad kicked into politician mode and began working his way around the room, thanking everyone for coming. He saw my sister Leslie first (who lives in the area), then my deaf sister Lisa (and I could tell he was visibly shook up that she was there), and then, about 15 other guests later he found me, against the back wall of the room, waiting in line to shake his hand and hug him. When I held him close, I said into his ear "Happy Birthday, Dad!" and he choked out "Oh, Jimmy! Holy cow!"

My mom pointed out that seeing me was what made him cry. I've got to tell you, he wasn't the only guy crying in that hug.

The love that was pouring out of the guests towards him was just simply amazing. He is loved by SO many people, not just family. The real estate office where he works all showed up. Many fellow members of his church were there. I heard story after story from people I've never met before about how important Dad is to them. They kissed on him, they shook his hand, they rubbed his back.

My favorite moment was when he went to cut the birthday cake. The DJ had a piped in version of "Happy Birthday" playing, and we all sang along. Dad conducted us, using the cake knife as his baton. When the part of the song came when we sang his name, he turned the cake knife at himself, pointing out that he, indeed, was the birthday boy, and that the name we sang was his.

He was grinning from ear to ear.

The dvd played in a corner of the room with the sound turned off. No big deal. The DJ was blaring music from his perch and it would have conflicted. Throughout the night, there was always a little group of people huddled around the monitor watching it. I received many compliments about it.

I hugged and kissed on my mother and I bought Rebecca's boyfriend/common law husband a drink at the bar. I got a chance to remind him that he is family still, that he is my brother always, and that I love him.

I tried to figure out how to have sex with the DJ. Really cute guy. He never left to use the men's room ONCE all night. Seriously!

Well, it's Monday night, and I fly back to Texas tomorrow morning. I'm glad this is over; I need to get my head back in my job - and it hasn't been there since the middle of December. But I think this was a nice little opportunity for the family to heal a bit after the death of my sister.

Thanks for putting up with my fretting and worrying about all of this. That's how I roll: I worry.

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Toast To My Father

My Father is a Big Man
Compared to other men
I stand in his shadow
And watch his Drive and his Dignity
Challenge a world of
Certain Uncertainty
He is Strength
He is Skill
He is everything I try to be
And most I never will
But he's very much a part of me
And grows inside me still
I hope to see the things he's seen
I hope he sees the Light he brings
I am the son of a very Big Man
A very great man, indeed!

This is a verse I wrote a few years back that I included on a birthday card I sent to him once. His wife has asked that I toast him with it at his party tomorrow night. It will be a huge honor.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Stole This Link From Dick Small's Blog...

but he got it from Teri, anyway, so it's not like he worked hard to get it or anything.

What Jimmy City Means
You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.
You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sunday MopUp 1/6/07

What? You expect me to take the time to chat you up about what is going on in jimmycity? Shit, people! My back is up against the WALL with this friggin' dvd that I need to have done by Friday night of this next week. My dad's big birthday party is next SATURDAY in Florida, and I am fucking fighting this dvd-maker software every damned day! I spent THREE HOURS today, importing and sorting jpegs into the program only to hit a wrong button and WIPE EVERYTHING OUT when I was done.

I am a moron, and I am deep into panic mode right now.

Look, if I manage to pull my head out of my ass and make this work, I intend to publish the thing on YouTube, so that I can embed it into a blog post for you to see, okay? Meanwhile, just let me have my little meltdown and temper tantrum and let me be absent for a while, all right?

I'll check back after this week. I leave for Florida Saturday morning and will be back Tuesday the 15th. I promise to have something to say other than curse words sometime thereafter.

But, until then, HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I am in serious trouble here!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Hey, you celebrate the way YOU want to, and I'll celebrate the way I want to!

Here's hoping 2008 is a little kinder and gentler on a few of us. I could use a break!