Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What Did YOU Do Last Night?

Me? I went out to dinner with DQ, where we actually sat and talked and got to know each other instead of moving directly into sex.

He's such a sweet kid. By "kid", I mean he's 32. Compared to how old I am, that makes him a freaking fetus. In fishnets.

We're going to go out on Friday night. He keeps talking about wanting to see the leather bar that is the ONLY gay bar I go to in this town. I'm not sure I can do that yet: mingle with him amongst the guys I know there. He also wants me to see his drag show on Sunday night. REALLY not sure if I can handle THAT yet.

I am fully aware that I am coming off here as a judgemental, holier-than-thou prick. Trust me, I am conflicted to Hell and back about this stuff, and I am not proud of my prejudices.

We had dinner, and we spent two hours with our clothes on, talking about ourselves. It was nice. When we left, he got into his car, and I got into my truck, and we went our separate ways.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Know, It's An Old Joke

Still makes me laugh, tho'...

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday MopUp 04/27/08

It's a rainy, windy, and cool day here in Central Texas, so I have windows and doors open, I am laundering a week's worth of socks, shirts, sheets, towels, and grundersnorts in preparation for another week of Corporate Enslavement while I ingest massive quantities of Starbuck's coffee (Pike's Place beans this week, by the way), and compose run-on sentences like this one.

I call it my Sunday MopUp. If you notice any bio hazard sitting around that I might be overlooking, feel free to pitch it in the trash over there. Thanks!

The "Productive Belch"

I mentioned last week that I have now experienced the phenomena of regurgitating food due to my half-assed, only partially inflated, lap band. I promised to tell you more about it, which is sure to disgust most, if not all, of you (well, except for Sue, who apparently digs this kinda information). So, feel free to skip this part if you are prone to squeamishness about bodily functions. The good news is that this will have nothing to do with Butt Sex or homosexual frottage. I hope that is a comfort, at least.

Okay, so the whole point of the lap-band is to constrict the stomach just below the esophagus, creating a little pouch that holds about a half cup of food at any one time. You fill this pouch, get the "full" sensation, which reminds you to stop eating, and you spend several hours after eating waiting for the food to pass through the passageway that the band has created. If you overeat and fill the pouch too full, you will puke up whatever the pouch cannot hold. This vomiting is referred to as a "productive belch", which makes me laugh every time someone uses the term. Putting lipstick on a pig, if ya ask me. Ya hurl. Upchuck. Spew. Simple enough concept.

Another reason to retch is due to the fact that you have not chewed the food you are eating to the point that it can pass the band, and it gets stuck in the pouch, creating blockage. Food trapped in the pouch which cannot pass into the lower stomach can be expected to come back up. This is why, although my band isn't filled enough to really give me the pouch yet, I have to practice how I chew and eat now. I have a little time to get used to how THOROUGHLY I must now chew when I eat. And, after nearly fifty years of inhaling and barely tasting food as I stuff it down my gullet, this is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

The Monday after my first fill, I was back at work, and went out with my co-workers to lunch. They wanted to do a buffet, which annoys me, but they chose a buffet that had a pretty big salad bar, so I agreed to go. I piled a huge mound of salady stuff on my plate: lettuce, spinach, chopped egg, red onion, mushrooms, cucumber, shaved carrot, a little cauliflower, some bell pepper...that kinda stuff. Low fat dressing topped it. I then went to the grill area and got myself a piece of chicken. Skinless breast. Hot off the grill. Yay, me!

As I was eating the salad, I was careful to chew well, and focus on what I was doing. Everything was going smoothly. After all, I don't have an actual pouch yet, I don't have much to worry about. This is PRACTICE, right?

Well, as I'm eating and building up steam and relaxing about the process, I decide to try some of the chicken. I cut into the breast and pop a big forkful into my mouth. When it hit my tongue, I realized that the meat was, indeed, hot off the grill. I chewed a few times, but suddenly was worried that I was burning the inside of my mouth. Without thinking, I just swallowed.

I knew it was a mistake the moment AFTER I did it.

It went down into my stomach easily enough. But once there, it just stayed there. Was it big enough to block a passage that isn't even small enough to create a pouch yet? Well, if it WAS blocking, then I DID have a pouch, at this particular minute, didn't I?

I panicked a bit and drank some water, which filled the pouch, but didn't push the chicken down. It only made things worse. I stood up from the table and raised my arms high, lacing my hands behind my head, in a kind of stretching motion. Didn't help.

By the way, I'd like to address this concept of "feeling full", which is what this band is supposed to make you feel. Now, up to this point, I had not experienced what "feeling full" meant, because everything I ate was falling into my lower stomach. Well, I certainly was feeling it now, and it isn't anything like the full feeling a normal person gets when eating a satisfying meal.

See, for YOU folks, "feeling full" can be a pleasant, satisfying feeling in the lower stomach. You have a full belly: it might make you sleepy, it might make you a little inflexible, but beyond a little "bloated", it isn't that big of a deal. Right?

Well, "feeling full" to a person with a lap-band is different. To begin with, the feeling occurs UP HIGH, like just under your solar plexus, and it is a very UNcomfortable feeling. Like heartburn, or nausea.

At this point, the "feel feeling" was a warning to me that I was going to be sick. I went to the men's room and positioned myself over the toilet. Thank God it was a clean restroom. Nothing worse that having to puke into...nevermind...

I puked. Well, I "productively belched".

Here's the thing. When a regular person pukes, they are bringing up acids from the lower part of the stomach. It stinks, it burns, it HURTS to get that stuff up from way down there. When a lap band patient pukes, only the pouch retches, NOT the whole stomach, and you only bring up whatever the problem was. If you overate by a few bites, you will only puke those extra bites up. If you are puking because something is stuck, once the blockage is expelled, you are fine.

And that's what I did. I puked up a chunk of chicken.

And then I was all better. But, boy, I was done with lunch, let me tell you!

It has happened to me twice now. Once at the buffet, and once at home, when I wasn't paying close attention to how well I was chewing. I suspect that when I go back to the doctor to get my second fill, on May 15th, I may have enough of a pouch effect that I will need to pay VERY strict attention to how I eat.

Other Things

* Went to the local leather bar last night. Received attention from three different guys and I am simply amazed. Really motivates me to keep losing. Met one guy who kept calling me "sir". Not a turn-on for me. But he WAS all over my nipples, which I didn't mind at all.

* Saw the drag queen again last week. Told him that we needed to slow down, that his lifestyle is an issue for me, and that I was conflicted about what to do about it. He said he understood, and then we had sex. Good grief!

* I have begun watching the Oprah and Eckhart Tolle podcasts of the webinar for "A New Earth" on iTunes and I am enjoying them. Lots of this stuff is Psychology 101 and not new, but I am appreciating Oprah's intent on reaching out to her following. I completely believe in the concepts being discussed and, although I have adopted many of them already in my life through the years, it's great to consider stepping the process up and strive to be more Spiritual in everyday life.

There are 8 episodes so far. There will be 15 in total. I'm just on Episode 3, and it will take a few weeks to catch up. Anybody else out there watching this?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Why I Haven't Mentioned The Lap-Band Lately

I was all stoked to go to Houston on April 11th and get my first " fill" in my lap-band, right? I was pretty excited, because I was under the impression that I would go, the band would be filled, therefore the pouch would be created, and I would be on my way to a highly restrictive diet.

Well, it doesn't work that way.

Turns out I took the entire day off of work, drove 3 hours to Houston (using about 75 bucks of gasoline there and back), paid for parking, paid for an office visit, only to find out that this "first fill" was just that: the initial INCREMENTAL injection of saline into the band. My band holds 14cc's of saline, people. Care to guess how much they filled the band?

3 cc's.

I have to go BACK to Houston on May 15th and get another "fill" of a few more cc's. This process could take anothe couple of MONTHS!


See, since no one can actually SEE into my stomach to see what is going on, the doctor fills the band little by little. With each fill, the stomach swells a little bit in response, and they don't want to over-inflate the thing and accidentally cut off any chance of ANYthing from passing.

So, right now, I don't even HAVE the "pouch" yet. I've got a shelf. When I eat, I can feel the food hit the backboard and drop into the bucket (it's a basketball metaphor, kids). Which, by the way, feels freaky. But, look, I'm not getting the sensation of feeling "full" when I eat a half cup of stuff. My appetite is not being supressed at ALL right now.

So, I'm not happy about it, and I feel like I've put on a bunch of weight (which I haven't). So, I've decided to go BACK on the liquid diet, and maybe have a little bit of real food now and then, until the next fill.

And THAT'S why I haven't been writing about it. I'm annoyed with the process.

Remind me to tell you about what puking up food is like with this thing sometime. Yes, it has happened.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday MopUp 04/20/08

It's late. I'm cranky. I'm confused. Welcome to my Sunday MopUp. It'll all be over in a minute.

My Screwed Up Social Life

I got all excited about a new friend two weeks ago, which isn't working out. Last week I went out twice with another new friend who I realized is a professional drag queen. When I freaked about what he does, he assured me that it is "just a job". Well, on Friday, I was told that he and his friends were going out "partying" because they all had the night off (from the drag show) . And, they were going to "dress up".

Does that sound like "just a job" to you?

Don't you hate people who type "in quotations" all the time?

Look, I have a hard time dealing with guys who shave their legs (okay, almost their whole fucking bodies), pluck their eyebrows, wear pancake makeup, and pretend they are women. I admit it. But, I am trying to look beyond my prejudice and accept people for who they are. When I met this guy, I knew it was going to be a challenge. He is a super sweet man, who is generous and fun.

But, I'm not sure I can do this. "Just a job" my ass. Don't lie to me.

I avoided the drag queen, I avoided the new friend, and I avoided Sexual Chocolate. I wanted to be left alone. So, I hid.

And I feel creepy about it.

The Pope

was a pain in my ass all week. My department is responsible for capturing the news feed of His Holy Rectum, recording every event that he breathed at in New York City, encoding it into a digital file, packaging it, and distributing it to cable divisions in Dallas, Waco, San Antonio, and El Paso (as well as here locally) so that good little Catholics all across the state can witness, on Video On Demand, the historic (yawn!) event.

His butt is finally back on a plane to Italy tonight. Organized religion kills, people. Organized Religion kills people, people! Here's my "news feed" for ya. Listen up:

Attention! You DO NOT NEED a middleman in order to have a relationship with your Higher Power.

If Jesus were here today, he wouldn't be a "Christian".

...just sayin'...

Good Grief, Jim, Just Play A Video!

Here's a little something for everyone but Dick Small.

Here's a little trivia: The female voice on this track is the singer from the video posted below. Cool, huh?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I Love Weird Music Videos!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Say WHAT?!?

Last night I went on a SECOND date with a drag queen.

Shut the fuck up.
Seriously, I have no idea what is happening!

Monday, April 14, 2008

John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army
Fightin' with the shadows in your head
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

[It's the last stanza that hits me in the gut. Powerful. Beautiful.]

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sunday MopUp 04/13/08

The bed linens are in the laundry, getting all bleached and freshened. I'm tanked on coffee and have all the windows and doors to the house wide open, soaking up the crisp, Spring air. I'm happy to be alive; I love the world and the Weirdness in which it entangles me. This aint Breakfast at Tiffany's (even though I feel like a million bucks), it's just my "Sunday MopUp".

Snap, Crackle, Pop

When we last spoke, I was headed over to watch Sexual Chocolate play in a gay volleyball tournament last week. I had made a new friend earlier in the weekend, who expressed interest in going as well. As I got my shit together here at Casa Del Jimbo, I called The New Friend to see if he still wanted to attend:

"Hello?" he answered his cell phone, in the middle of a loud racket in the background.

"Hi, it's me, Jim! Just checking to see if you still wanted to go to the volleyball tourny to watch SC?"

"Ummm...sure." Bang, bang, clatter, clatter, clatter.

"Oookay, well the first game is at 2:30. Do you want to just meet up there then?"

"Well," he said "I was just talking to Sexual Chocolate and he told me that the first game isn't until 4:30." In the background, someone was talking over an intercom. Wait, he said he had talked to Sexual Chocolate today? What?

"Oh. You talked to him? Okay, then, how about we meet there at about quarter after four?"

"Yeah," Bang, clatter, shuffle, crunch "We were just on the phone."

"Oh. I see." I replied "I guess I didn't know you two were close friends."

"Well, I'm at the car wash with his car right now."

"You are at the car wash with HIS car?"

"Yeah. It's a long story."

(pregnant pause)"So, I'll see you at the bar at abour 4:15 then?"


And we hung up.

I get to the bar just before the game begins, and I see SC warming up with his teammates. Folks, gay volleyball is quite a sight. Butch looking men, butch looking women, and some serious queens sporting serious bling as they grunt and swear and giggle and cackle at each other. I bought a beer ($3.75 for a bottle of domestic!), and settled under an awning to watch the circus. Sexual Chocolate didn't know I was there, and there was no sign of The New Friend.

The match hadn't been underway more than 10 minutes when SC made a move to one side too quickly and a loud POP! was heard all the way over into the sidelines. SC fell into the sand, grasping his left knee. Lesbians descended upon him with ice packs and a medical kit immediately. Everyone watching turned to each other and mumbled things like "Did you hear it snap? I heard it snap!", and "That's a ligament!", and "Holy shit, that must hurt!"

The lesbians scooped him up and propped him up on the far side of the field in a lawn chair with ice packs and play resumed. I used this opportunity to make my way around the edge of the field to get to him. He seemed pleased that I had made it.

"Did you just get here?" he asked.

"A few minutes before your bowl of Rice Krispies," I replied.


"Snap, Crackle, Pop!"

"Oh, yeah. Well, it happens."

"We need to get you to an Emergency Room."

"No way. I don't have medical insurance. I need to get home, but my car isn't here yet."

"I called TNF (the new friend) and he said he was coming, but I don't see him." I said.

"Yeah, well, he's probably still at the car wash."

"Right. And, WHY is he at the car wash with your Jeep?"

"Because we went out drinking last night and he vomitted all over the inside of it on the way home."

Okay. Sexual Chocolate, the aggressive top chaser who is always trying to get into MY pants, went out drinking with a new friend of mine who seemed really into ME just on Friday night.

"You asked TNF to go out drinking with you last night?"

"No." He said, matter-of-factly, "HE called ME."

It's Sunday afternoon and things seem to have changed pretty quickly.

I went to my truck, got my cellphone and called TNF. He was still at the car wash.

"Still there?" I asked.


"SC told me what happened."

"Oh, God! I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't be. These things happen. But, the news is that SC has turned his knee. People here seem to think it's his ACL and he needs to get home."

"I don't know how much longer this will take. I'm having the entire interior detailed."

"Well, how about I come by and wait with you? When the Jeep is finished you can follow me back here to the bar."

"That would be great!"

I checked in with SC, who wanted to watch more of the tourny, and I left for the car wash. When I got there, I found TNF in the lobby with a sheepish look on his face.

"So, when you want to go out drinking Sexual Chocolate is your go-to guy?" I asked. I'll admit it, my feelings were hurt that he hadn't at least ASKED me if I wanted to go out.

"I guess so. Man, I feel bad about all of this."

"Well," I said, "This is why I stopped drinking. I don't miss those years."

And then he looked me right in the eye and said:

"Well, I have a few more of "those years" left in me."

We got the Jeep back to the bar, loaded SC into my truck, and TNF followed us back to SC's place in the Jeep. We got SC comfortable on the livingroom sofa, with his leg propped up and iced down. I checked the freezer to make sure there was plenty of ice for future use. We put his laptop close so that he could cruise the internet.

TNF wanted to catch some dinner together, so I took him to a favorite Mexican joint and we ate. I took him back to get his car at the bar and we went our separate ways.

This was all last Sunday, a week ago, mind you. I checked in with SC last night and found out that the two of them went out again on Friday night. Things got chaotic then as well. I'll spare you the details.

SC's knee is doing better. He has a brace for it, never went to the hospital, and is hoping it will just get better on its own. There was a big pool party last night at the home of someone I have never met, so although I was invited by friends, I didn't go. It's just a rule I have. I have to be invited by the person hosting the party. I don't just show up.

When I found out Sexual Chocolate wasn't going to the party either, I made a batch of mac and cheese and sausages wrapped in cresent rolls and took them over to him. We sat on his sofa and watched a Harry Potter movie on network TV. It was a quiet evening. SC tells me that he and TNF have not had ANY sexual encounters. They are just drinking buddies now. No one thought to call me, because everyone knows I don't drink (much).

SC tried to seduce me as we sat there last night, which was actually funny with him being a gimp right now and all. I pushed him away and we laughed each time he came at me. I tried, once again, to tell SC that I'm not comfortable being a bottom. He's not buying it.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to fit in. This is WAY too hard for me to figure out.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Sunday MopUp 04/06/08

Friday Night Lights

Wow! What an incredible Friday night I just had! I put in a full day at the office, and then arranged a little get together with 5 friends at a favorite pizzeria that I used to frequent regularly. I've been unable to go back to this place since my liquid diet, and following the lap-band surgery, so I took advantage of being in the small window of opportunity before I get the band filled on Thursday, and invited some friends to check the place out. Everyone seemed to agree that the pizza is awesome, and I really enjoyed the company of these guys, some of whom I have not had any contact with in months and months. I hope they enjoyed themselves as well, and that we can find ways of socializing more in the future. It's kind of up to them; I'm certainly eager to rekindle the friendship.

After the Starchfest, three of us went to the movies. Finally saw "21", and was a tad bit disappointed. Kevin Spacey was the producer, as well as a star in this. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad movie, it just was a bit formulaic and superficial. There were some soundtrack surprises in it, though. An LCD Soundsystem track in the middle of the movie, and a killer remix of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by Soulwax during the end credits really rocked. Is Kevin Spacey gay? My gaydar always goes off when he is on screen.

After the movie, the three of us dropped in at the local gay bear/leather bar in town. As the designated driver, I didn't drink. Lots of hot guys, but also lots of fem twinks sporting moustaches and boots trying to look butch. When did being a "bear" turn into a costume change?

I happened upon a few instances of sex occurring in dark corners and it made me laugh. As a counterculture, we have our priorities, huh?

I was able to spend some time with a new friend and am hoping that we get to know each other better. Really sweet man. I am happy to report that I did not try to lure him home, but it was a real inner battle to keep from doing so. I am interested in making friends, not hooking up. I kept repeating this to myself as we talked (and necked).

I didn't get home until nearly 4AM. I slept until 1PM Saturday afternoon. Jimmy can't party like a Rockstar anymore.


Sexual Chocolate is playing in a volleyball tournament at another gay/lesbian bar up the street today. I'm leaving here in just a few minutes to join a friend there and watch a group of gay men get their asses handed to them by a group of lesbians. We'll have a few beers and laugh like schoolgirls and root for anyone and everyone. It's beautiful weather outside today. This will be a blast.