Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sunday MopUp 03/16/08

Hi, come on in! My name is Jim and this here is a little thing I do on Sundays (my favorite day of the week, by the way) where I sit down and try to catch up on the various mundane things in my world in a blog post, whilst I pick up the house and guzzle coffee and catch such a caffeine buzz that my nipples start to spin by the end of it all. I call it my Sunday MopUp. You will probably call it a waste of time. You wouldn't be the first.

Speaking Of Coffee

I bought some VERY pricey whole beans off of the Internet a while back. Was my first foray into the world of "premium coffees". Bought a half pound of Jamaican Blue Mountain and a half pound of Hawaiian Kona beans, just on a lark.

Well, I'm friggin' HOOKED! Both were VERY tasty, but the JBM was super smooth and delicious and I decided that I was now a Coffee Snob and could not settle for anything less.

The only problem was the price this Internet service wanted for the goods. I mean fuck!

So I went out on Friday night to the local fru-fru, upscale grocery store (where I go to buy steak, cuz their butcher shop is simply amazing (ribeyes @ 17.99 a lb) (hey, are parentheses inside parentheses allowed?)!)(what the hell, now I'm just being stupid), and I found some Jamaican beans - not a BLEND, mind you! - for about half of what I paid on the Internet. I rock. Yes, I do.

Now, lest you think I found some kinda bargain, think again. This shit is ridiculously over-priced, it's like legalized crack or something, but I am going to stick with it for a while. I need a good kick in the fanny in the mornings to get my motor running, and it is really a wonderful surprise to find stuff that doesn't taste of battery acid.

And, having said that, my first cup is history and I need a refill. Be right back...

A Fucking Miracle

[note: I need to place a Disclaimer up front on this one, because I'm about to talk about homosexual sex acts, and I don't want anyone to feel I have offended them or grossed them out, without any warning. Dear Heteros: what I'm going to post here in a second may be considered offensive or gross. Sorry. My blog, my rules. If the idea of two men having sex together is offensive to you...umm...what the fuck are you doing HERE? and please feel free to skip over this next part.]

So, I've been writing quite a lot about my weight issues, and that I've had a laproscopic surgery to help me drop weight, right? I have also written about the trouble I have had trying to determine how I fit into the sexual dynamics, or roles, in gay sex. To summarize: when it comes to anal sex, I have been trying to be a "bottom", or "the fuckee"(you know, the guy GETTING fucked), and it hasn't been easy or, for that matter, very satisfying for me. See, I've been trying this because, due to my weight, being a "top" or "the fucker" (you know, the guy DOING the fucking to the guy GETTING fucked) has been...problematic. A fat guy, even with adequate endowment, loses a lot of his cock into his abdomen, thanks to the extra size he carries.

For the record, I'd just like to say that I'm not a big fan of Butt Sex anyway. I'm an oral guy. But, I am trying here to have a full and varied Life Experience, and since "Are you a top or a bottom?" is one of the first questions asked in gay bars when you meet someone, I think I should know the answer.

If you are feeling squeamish about all this, just bail out now. It only gets worse.

Moving on, then...

So, yesterday I had a date! Yes, I have been talking to a very cute guy online for several months now, and we finally met yesterday. This guy is smokin' hot (to me)! He's kinda short, maybe 5'8", with broad shoulders, a shaved head, and a beefy, solid butt. I LOVE chunky guys. He is younger (early 30s) which I'm not crazy about. I'm more comfortable with guys closer to my age, but I was pleased that we got along so well. We met for coffee, went to the park and wandered around a bit, and then came back to my place. The sexual tension was evident, and this was plenty of foreplay for two horny homos.

Now, as we had been talking online, he told me that he was "versatile", meaning that he was as open to being a "top" as he was to being a "bottom". When I explained that I was actually just orally inclined, he said he really was as well. This made me much less worried about meeting him. I can't tell you what a disaster it is when I am confronted with a demanding bottom who only wants to get plowed. There are many of these type out in the world, and I do my best to avoid them.

When we get to my place I offer him a beer and he is all over me. I love aggressive, confident guys! We fumble to the bedroom and clothes are flying. I'm happy to report that when he pulled his dick out, I was startled and a little worried. I determined that I was going to keep that thing down my throat as much as possible until he came, because I certainly didn't want him reaching for my ass with it. Not gonna happen.

So, I throw him back on the bed and proceed to get to work. By the way, seeing him fully naked was amazing. Football build. Full pecs and a tiny little gut. Just enough of a pooch to call it a belly. His ass was all muscle and I had a cheek in each hand as I buried my face into his crotch, pulling him into my mouth. It wasn't long before he flipped me over, and it was my turn to be on my back. He was straddling my chest, his face in between my legs and his ass, perfect as it was, in my face. I reached up and rubbed, with wet fingers, into his ass crack.

Then BOOM! It happened.

The dude kicked into overdrive. He moaned. He groaned. He bucked like a fucking stallion. Touching him there absolutely unleashed a wild man. He rubbed that perfect butt all OVER my chest and my face. Seriously. It became an entity all unto itself.

Versatile? Since fucking when? This guy was 100% bottom, and I was in TROUBLE!

But, I was really turned on. He was very sexy, and a very generous lover. I believe while this was happening, he had not only my entire package, but both my legs down his throat!

He jumps off of me, grabs his jeans, and pulls out a condom.

"I want you to fuck me!" he says.

Look, I didn't have time to even respond. The rubber was out, slapped on my cock, and he was positioning himself over me by the time I could even say "Well, I don't really know if this is gonna work. Maybe we should slow down. See, I have really bad luck when it comes to fuc..."

...and, Ladies and Gentlemen, just like that, he was on me and I was IN him and we were fucking!

You know that episode of Oprah where Dr. Oz tells the audience that dropping just 35 pounds can add an inch of penis size?

Yup. I've dropped 50 so far and I'm telling you that it's true, because I have more than that added on now! It reminded me of my heterosexual days. The great sex I had with my girlfriends really WAS great sex back then! The warmth, the wetness, the feeling of the grip around my shaft as I pump, this is what sex IS for me!

We worked it, kids. It was a Butt Sex Jamboree! And here's the big revelation: I was pretty good at it! Turns out, I sucked at being a bottom, because I'VE BEEN A TOP ALL ALONG! Hallelujah, jimmy got his cock back!

...well, I still prefer oral, know...

So, this guy was all complimentary afterwards and I was so freaking proud of myself that I asked if we could see each other again. He said he'd like that and that I could fuck him any time. We'll see. He has my phone number. I hope he calls. I have my doubts. He bolted pretty fast after the sex. I don't want to be a booty call.

Hey, hook-ups happen. Even to fat guys.

Okay, enough of that. Just had to share what was a pretty major realization for me. Thanks for following along, if ya did.

Video Bonus!

I found this over at Joe.My.God (perhaps the coolest gay blog ever)! This clip is an animated representation of global warfare from WWII to the present, using food as representations of countries and weaponry. It's fast moving, but very clever.

If you need a list of what food represents what country, there is a list here.


Anonymous said...

AAawwww I'm so glad for u if u ever happen to be in the neighbourhood....


Mel said...

Horray for you :) I have to say my weight loss seems to have helped my sex life too :)

g-man said...

Here's to gettin laid!!! Woo hoo. Funny how similar and diverse hetero/homo relations (sexual and otherwise) are. Keep on keepin on dude.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Guess what?

I just found out something about myself.

I'm a prude.

Oh. And I'm cool with it.

If Hallmark had a card that included congratulating you for your extra penis length I'd SO buy it for you....

Anonymous said...

Great. You drop 35 pounds and your dick gets bigger. A woman drops 35 pounds and her tits disappear. Stoopit reality.

Anonymous said...

You realize, I'm extremely jealous of what's-his-name right now.

Anonymous said...

... actually, not so much jealous as I truly hate him.
... although, that being said, I'm not totally opposed to buying him a sub..

Anonymous said...

hahahahaa to Kirby's comment...

Ice John's World said...

Wow, Jimmy! Way to go and good for you!

Grant Miller said...

We brought back two pounds of that Jamaican coffee from our trip to Jamaica. It was half the price it is here.

Every once in awhile I'll buy a half pound here in the states for about $30 bucks. Crazy expensive here.

But very, very good.

Melissa said...

WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! Who's the man? I've clearly had my head up my ass in my own self absorbed world and you've been moving and shaking the world up, bubba. I hope the surgery brings you the good health you seek and I hope he calls back. And damn if we don't have similar taste in men!