Sunday Mop Up 07/13/08

It's a low energy day today. Maybe that's because I'm still on my first cuppa joe. It's Sunday, which means I sit here and putter around the house and try to catch you up on the odds and ends of my life., I call it "Sunday Mop Up". My friends call it "Homo sez WHAT?"

Cleanliness Is Next To "Good GAWD"liness!

I seem to have developed a Beauty Regime lately. Since I'm not blowing all my cash on food, I have begun buying crap that promises to make me look better. Although, I want it stated right up front that this does NOT include anal bleach. Jesus! Now, to you ladies, this may seem like nothing. But for a guy like ME to go through these steps is a freaking miracle. I've been a barsoap and Suave shampoo 'tard all my life.

So, here's the dealio:

Every morning I use a Pre-Brush Whitening Oral rinse, followed by an expensive toothpaste that says it will whiten my teefies. Then, I floss. The rinse happens outside the shower, but I brush when I'm IN the shower, so I can make a huge, frothing mess. That "rabid dog look" is the best part of dental maintenance, ya know...

Next, I hose down and shampoo my hair, my goatee, and my "South Forty" with TeaTree (shit aint cheap) by Paul Mitchell. Menthol and very "stimulating"! I follow that with TeaTree creme rinse, everywhere the shampoo went, and I shave my face.

After I shave, I pull out the St. Ives Apricot Scrub and exfoliate my mugg like a mofo. This stuff does a GREAT job of cleansing, yet leaves my face soft and smooth like a baby's...rugged, masculine, and manly...butt. Shut up.

Then I lather myself up with AXE Bodywash. Twice. I have a body brush (one for home, one for the gym), for all the nooks and crannies. I work that bitch.

I finish my hot shower with a cold rinse, to close all the pores that I have just opened up and assaulted.

"It puts the lotion on its skin..."

Once out of the shower, I hit my face with an OxyClean zit pad. Just to keep the complexion in check. Fat guys can get oily quick. I'm always amazed at the extra dirt this pad pulls off my freshly scrubbed face. Maybe that Apricot Scrub isn't doing such a bang-up job afterall...Then I use a MOISTURIZER on my face. No shit. Me using a mositurizer. The X would fuckin' faint. I use one from Olay with a little sunblock and some bronzer in it. That "Touch Of Sun" shit. SPF15...whoopdefuckindoo, I bet my SPIT has an SPF of 25 or so...

Out of the bathroom and before getting dressed, I use another body moisturizer, lightly, to try to keep my skin hydrated. Look, I'm doing this routine at LEAST twice a day, sometimes three, people, and all that scrubbing and washing could dry a fool out, ya know?

After I'm fully dry and moisturized and my pits have been swabbed and my ears have been Q-Tipped, I slap on a tiny bit of aftershave. A few drops on the face, with the residual going on the chest and maybe across the back of the neck. I keep it very light. Men reeking of cologne is SUCH a cliche. I also use a newly purchased Nose Hair clipper, when needed. Why do I need that fucker so much suddenly? What's up with THAT?!?

Now, that isn't just a morning routine. I do the whole thing (except the teeth stuff) every evening at the gym. Also, swap out the Apricot Scrub for the Apricot CLEANSER (different stuff, kids!) at the gym. I do my teeth a second time just before I crawl into bed. On the weekends, if my workout was early enough in the afternoon, I'll do the whole routine a third time before I crash.

The fact is that I'm looking to EXPAND this routine to include better foot maintenance (I found something called a "Pedi-Egg" which looks like a cheese grater you use on the soles of your feet to scrape off the callouses -which I will be picking up next time I'm at the store), foot powder even, and maybe some goop especially for my eyes. You know, to keep them from looking all puffy an' stuff.

I know. I've never BEEN so gay! But I'm a clean motherfucker, my friends. And, this is helping me stay focused on my body and trying to improve myself as I try to lose more weight.


Oh, and HERE'S some weirdness I will confess: I have a tendency to sleep on my face. Seriously, no matter how I lie in bed before I fall asleep, I wake up with my face planted deep into the pillow, or the mattress, or whatever. I have no idea how I am managing to breathe, but it's true. I sleep on my face. Well, this issue has, over the years, done a number on my eyelashes. They don't curl up anymore. They, instead, grow directly downward. This causes them to get stuck in my freaking eyes a LOT, and it's quite a nuisance. It hurts sometimes. Besides, it looks weird.

So, now that I'm seeing a guy who dresses up like a woman (it's just a JOB!), he has suggested something, and I have followed his advice. I now own, and use, eyelash curlers. Go ahead and laugh, I know I do. But, it really helps keep the lashes out of my eyes. So, every night and every morning I pull the curlers out and tweak my eyelashes. If I ever start plucking my eyebrows someone PLEASE call the police!

The Week Ahead

I take my truck into the shop tomorrow morning to get the front windshield reseated onto the frame of the cab. I have owned this truck for over a year now, and have heard, since the first week after purchase, a "whistling" from the right side of the cab. When I would take it in to the dealership, I couldn't find anyone who could hear it other than me. I was frustrated and furious over it.

Well, last week I took the truck in for an oil change, and I met a service writer who mentioned that he has a pretty good ear when it comes to noises inside vehicles. I made him jump into the truck with me, and we drove around town, as I tried to point out the whistling problem I had.

And, praise God, he HEARD it too! - He also defended the shop techs who claimed that they couldn't hear this issue. As he points out, these are guys with machines and automatic wrenches right up against their heads as they work on engines. This was a very high frequency whistle. Truthfully, it only really bothered me late at night when the radio was off, and outside traffic was minimal. But it's been there, and I wanted it GONE!

I'm very excited to announce that I may have resolution to this issue some time tomorrow afternoon. YAY!

DQ Hits The Road

He'll be in Virginia for management training with his company for the next three weeks. I won't see him again until I pick him up from the airport on August 1st.

-Oh! Another factoid about him. He was asking me about the blog earlier in the week, so I gave him the address. I have no idea if that was a mistake. He says he will catch up on it while in Virginia. I don't think I have written anything here that I haven't said to his face, so I'm just going to assume that if he has any issues with what I've posted, that he will be honest and talk to me. Okay? okay!


I was going to write more, but I am wasting daylight here, I need to go get out into it. I'll fill you all in on a big vacation I will be taking at the end of the month.