Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sunday Mop Up 11/19/06

Thanksgiving Plans (end of Act II)

So, I jump up this morning at 8 am to race to work. You see, it is vitally important to my plans that I be in front of a computer with a printer at exactly 8:30am because I don't have a printer here at the house and I must print out my boarding pass for my airplane ticket exactly 24 hours before the departure time of my flight. My flight departs at 8:30 am Monday. I need to be one of the first, so that I get the all important "A" designation on it, which will allow me to be in the first group to board, so I can get a seat next to no one right off the bat. I explained all this earlier. Point is, I didn't wake up til 8am, needed to be at the pc at work at 8:30, and I was flying around the house like a bat out of Hell.

I had to poop, and that slowed me down a bit as well.

Now, I only live about 10 minutes from work, and I found myself not quite halfway there at 8:25. I got a little leadfooted and drove more aggressively than normally. No, I didn't get a speeding ticket, thank you. I did see a motorcycle cop, and scolded myself for doing something stupid which, if I got busted, would make me even later.

I got to work and sat at my desk at 8:35am. Some traffic lights fucked with me. I'm logging onto my pc, digging out my paperwork with my reservation confirmation code printed on it, and swiveling around to my printer when I noticed there was no paper in it.

[What's the deal with computer printers, anyway? I find only being able to load about 100 sheets of paper a time into mine a complete pain in the ass. Why can't they make printers that will let you dump a ream of paper into them at once? Is that, like, too fucking hard to do? I've got a fancy copier/fax/scanner/Easy Bake Oven model 'cuz I pump out a TON of paperwork as part of my job, but I have to load that bitch a little dollop at a time. Irritating. Sorry, I'm just saying...]

I swiveled around behind me, where I have a couple of reams stashed, grabbed a handful and swiveled back to the printer. It was during this motion that I felt my back hitch.

Back at the keyboard, I log into, enter my code and my name and...voila!... Boarding Pass is printing out. Big Ass letter "A" right in the middle. Heavy sigh of relief. I head back home to begin the packing process. MUCH to do to get ready.

Getting out of my truck when I get home, I notice something. My back has seized up on me. A tightness along with some searing pain hit me when I open the truck door and unload my ass from the driver's seat. When I'm standing beside the truck, closing the door to the vehicle, I'm bent at a 45 degree angle. I can't straighten up.

Oh, fuck, NO!

As a fat guy, my back can be counted on to go out on me every couple of years. Once every two or three years, there's a disc that says "Everything else on you bulges. Me, too, moron!" and complicates my life for about two weeks. This is what this is. I immediately panic because I have mucho laundry to do, a trip back to the clothes store, and a stop at the Post Office to put in a request to have my mail saved for me. And, of course, I need to blog.

I toddle into the house, creep up the stairs, and head for the bed. I have a heating pad stashed in the nightstand for just such an emergency, plug that thing in and arrange myself over it. Just a half hour, I tell myself. Maybe this will help loosen me up. That was just before 10 am.

It's now 2:30pm. I awoke with a jolt, swearing like a sailor that I had passed out for so long, but pleased that my back felt really pretty good. Then, I sat up. It was like someone was sticking a knife into my kidney.

I've swallowed a handful of Advil (well, three) and am hoping that might help. Jimmy's Fun Fact Of The Day: I if you clutch a handful of Advil in your hand for long enough (because you're looking for a glass to pour some water into), the red dye bleeds off those little fuckers. I now have red paw marks all over my white bathroom sink where I was trying to steady my crippled ass with one hand while I chugged the pills down.

I need to be in bed and ASLEEP by 9pm, if I expect to be up by 6am. There's a spoiled brat inside of me that wants to call the whole trip off and just get into bed and sleep for a week. I can't do that and I know it. I do, however, worry about what a plane ride, cramped into a shitty seat in the back of a cattlecar for 5 hours, is going to do to me. Fuck!

[Late Edition Addition: It's 11pm, and I'm finally packed. I'm dosed up heavy on the Advil, so I'm pretty sure my liver is petrifying in my abdomen at this very instant. I called my sister and whined like a baby, and that made me feel better, somewhat. I got the bright idea to maybe buy a digital camera for myself when I get out there, so I might have pics to post at some point. You'll love my family. Not a retarded one in the lot, besides me, acourse.}

One last little note:

The TomKat Wedding

Jesus Christ! Shut the fuck UP already! I don't CARE! I don't understand why ANYBODY cares. The shit we focus on and obsess over, as a culture, infuriates me! I don't care what she wore, I don't care what he wore, I don't care who was there, I don't care how many candles were lit, I don't care how many italian women peed their pants, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!

I hope they are happy, but I felt the same way about Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche and look how THAT turned out.


telliott said...

Sorry to hear about your back. I hope you feel better for the plane ride


Thechubbyavenger said...

I am just sick about your back. I am SO SO sorry. I, too, have had back issues before. As a fat man myself, they care me. I have had brushes with immobility, as you know. They were due to smaller joints in my legs. If it were to happen in my back, I just don't know what i'd do, so, I can commiserate. I really hope you have a safe and comfortable flight to see the family and have a warm and wonderful Thanksgiving. I can't speak for anybody else, but, I would love to see pictures of your family. Have a safe trip back.

Ps, glad you got an "A" for your boarding pass. I know that was giving you very considerable stress and worry.

Your best Pal:


Tom Dougherty said...

Oh, shit! I hope your symptoms clear up so you can enjoy the holiday. Hot bath, a little weed (relaxes the tension, which often relaxes muscle tension) and a good night's sleep would do wonders. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

This same kind of thing happened to me a couple of years ago. I was flying home to my parents' place in Pittsburgh for Tday and my back seized up. For a week I scrambled around like a crab, my eyes tearing up just from the exertion of putting on my socks. Oddly enough, my back pain cleared up COMPLETELY when I got on the plane to come back to Seattle. It was, I believe, all in my mind.

It hasn't happened since, but I haven't gone back to see the folks since either. COINCIDENCE? Hmmm.

Aleve is the shit. Advil's for babies and bunny rabbits. Step on up to flavor country my friend, and get yourself some Aleve.