Yes, I missed my deadline this week. Shoot me, 'k? It was a busy day. It's my Sunday MopUp on early Monday morning. Feel free to eat me if you have a problem with my timing.
Austin has a place on the lake called Hippie Hollow. It's a "clothing optional" section of the lake. Yes, Austin has a nude beach. Well, it's really a nude part of the lake, there's no beach. Not even kinda. Turns out, it's on a part of the lake flanked by limestone cliffs and in order to navigate your happy ass to the water, you have to have the climbing skills of a mountain goat.
Let's all think back on my propensity of being a klutz and then try to imagine ME trying to walk on little, uneven, woodsy trails where one false step means you plummet to your death off of the cliff face and onto the jagged rocks below ( where naked people are spread-eagled and sunning themselves like big, weird lizards).
Yes, this was my Sunday afternoon, kids. Jimmy went to the nude beach. I have lived in this town since 1979 and I had never been before. I thought it was time. A friend invited me to meet him and a few friends and I couldn't really think of a good reason why I shouldn't experience this place.
And the reason turned out to be: because nudists are some crazy fucks.
Now, it's "clothing OPTIONAL", so there were many of us who remained in some type of attire. I, personally, kept my shorts and shoes on at all times. But LORDY there were some fierce ass cracks scaling those cliffs. Not just men, mind you. Women were all over the place as well. You would be walking down a trail and, out of nowhere, some naked guy would pop out from around the corner, all bronzed and flopping, or some woman would trot by, her brown boobs bouncing in the Texas sun.
I think it's strange to see a completely naked person in hiking boots, by the way. If your FEET need that kind of protection in the Texas brush, what kind of sense does it make to have your genitals waving at people passing by on a narrow trail surrounded by shit that could scrape and scratch and poke chunks of you? Why would anyone want to sit on the ground when it's covered in ants and gravelly bits? Texas has the Killer Bees, ya know.
And, if you are all proud of yourself for being a "Naturalist" , would you please leave the goddamned cellphone back up in the parking lot?
Do nudists fart around each other? Just wondering...
So, I spent about three hours in the blazing sun. I drank three beers and nearly fell to my death twice. It was fun. I went home proud of myself. For surviving, and for not getting an erection the entire afternoon.
Even though I bought a bottle of spray sunblock with an SPF of 75, I got fried. The part that hurts the most is on the top of my head. Yes, I didn't think to protect the place on my body where the protective hair of my youth is thinning to the point of non-existence.
I'm gonna be peeling like a leper in a few days. Should be gross.