Thursday, August 24, 2006


Sometimes, I just wake up and feel sad. It's not about anything specific, or maybe it's specifically about everything. I just wake up with a weight on my shoulders, a heaviness in my heart.

I've been told that I'm a sensitive guy. Hell, I tell people all the time that I'm a sensitive guy. I use it as an alibi, I think. Truth is, I stumble and thrash about my in life and the world around it, and have a pretty good track record of creating havoc and making a mess of things. I do such things with hardly a thought about Consequences or Intention. I have used the term "happy-go-lucky" to describe this refusal to pay attention to what I am doing. Then, something breaks. I break something. I do something that causes myself or someone else pain. That's when I become bewildered and portray myself as a poor victim of some grand cosmic joke.Or, I berate myself and become hyper-critical, but only for the sake of Drama. I try to beat myself up before someone gets the chance, and if they DO get the chance, I am wounded beyond words. I don't think I'm nearly as sensitive as I claim to be. I think I might just be a huge spoiled brat.

Some days I just wake up and see myself as the weak, insecure, and self-involved man that I am and I'm disgusted and appalled. These are the days when I struggle to remember all that I have to be Grateful about.

It's on these days that what I really need is a turkey dinner, with mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. I need those smells and tastes to remind me (and they ALWAYS do) of Thanksgiving Day. Of how much I adore that holiday. Of how I always swear that I should live EACH day in thanksgiving.

I'm a lucky man. I'm a man who strives to live in Gratitude and Humility, yet falls short continually. I'm a Drama Queen. I'm a Spoiled Brat. I have the best of Intentions. And I haven't got a Clue.

(I close my eyes and take a deep breath.)

(I sit in this quiet and feel myself with these feelings.)

(I smile.)

I'm feeling better already!


Anonymous said...

Some days are roses. Some days are thorns. We pay for the former with some of the latter. i have had my share of blue days, Jim. Just try to bear in mind that you should be gentle with yourself. MOst of the time, the world won't be. We are all self-involved, unthinking insecure drama queens. WE ALL ARE. Welcome to the human condition. this is not an excuse not to try and improve. It's just a fact. I love TG, too.


Melissa said...

I've had a week of waking up like that. Dunno what it is, but you just wake up in a very sober mood. Maybe sober is what's wrong.