Sometimes, I just wake up and feel sad. It's not about anything specific, or maybe it's specifically about everything. I just wake up with a weight on my shoulders, a heaviness in my heart.
I've been told that I'm a sensitive guy. Hell, I tell people all the time that I'm a sensitive guy. I use it as an alibi, I think. Truth is, I stumble and thrash about my in life and the world around it, and have a pretty good track record of creating havoc and making a mess of things. I do such things with hardly a thought about Consequences or Intention. I have used the term "happy-go-lucky" to describe this refusal to pay attention to what I am doing. Then, something breaks. I break something. I do something that causes myself or someone else pain. That's when I become bewildered and portray myself as a poor victim of some grand cosmic joke.Or, I berate myself and become hyper-critical, but only for the sake of Drama. I try to beat myself up before someone gets the chance, and if they DO get the chance, I am wounded beyond words. I don't think I'm nearly as sensitive as I claim to be. I think I might just be a huge spoiled brat.
Some days I just wake up and see myself as the weak, insecure, and self-involved man that I am and I'm disgusted and appalled. These are the days when I struggle to remember all that I have to be Grateful about.
It's on these days that what I really need is a turkey dinner, with mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. I need those smells and tastes to remind me (and they ALWAYS do) of Thanksgiving Day. Of how much I adore that holiday. Of how I always swear that I should live EACH day in thanksgiving.
I'm a lucky man. I'm a man who strives to live in Gratitude and Humility, yet falls short continually. I'm a Drama Queen. I'm a Spoiled Brat. I have the best of Intentions. And I haven't got a Clue.
(I close my eyes and take a deep breath.)
(I sit in this quiet and feel myself with these feelings.)
I'm feeling better already!