Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Boxers Or Briefs?

I have tried a number of time in my life to switch from briefs, my longstanding style of wardrobe infrastructure, to boxers. As a kid, I wore Tidy Whities. Somewhere in my 20's, I decided that switching to boxers was the thing to do. All I can tell you is that it felt like I was wearing a regular pair of cargo shorts underneath - like I had doubled up the amount of of pants I wanted to wear that day or something. It felt weird. So, I went back to the briefs. But to make myself feel better, I ditched the whites and bought grundersnorts in colors. Seemed like a step in the right direction.

Every couple of years, I'd buy another pair and try again. It just never seemed to work for me.

Later, boxer briefs became the rage. I immediately checked them out and found them to be comfortable, if a little retarded looking on a fat guy. I didn't care. I had found something that got me away from the diaper-like look of what I had.

Note: Okay, maybe comparing briefs to diapers is a little exaggerated or extreme, but at this point, that's what they look like to me. I think it's because I so wanted to move away from the damned things. Come on, admit it, big guys look better in boxers. You know I'm right!

So, I'm still in the boxer briefs, and I'm still experiencing Underwear Envy. I went to the Big Ol' Boy clothes store the other day and they had some boxers on sale. Clearance prices. Such a deal. I couldn't resist.

I bought a single pair, just to see if things have changed. They haven't. I wore the pair to work yesterday and I SWEAR TO GOD there is a seam in the crotch that was trying to saw my scrotum off of my body. WTF? Why are these damned things so uncomfortable to me? I couldn't wait to get home and get the fuckers off!

I belong in boxers. I like how I look in them. Why does this have to be so hard?

Maybe I should just "go commando" from now on.

I'm kidding. Freeball at work? No friggin' way! I'm going to try again tomorrow, the suspect pair is being laundered today and then inspected carefully for nylon thread, maybe a stray "inspected by #15" tag, or razorblades.


Tom Dougherty said...

Simple: Secret Mormon Underwear, or SMU.

dallaschubcub said...

Per our conversation, you're wearing the wrong type of boxers. Nothing beats a breathable crotch!