Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sunday Mop Up 01/07/07

Well, well! Look how the weekend rips by when you are used to taking big, honking chunks of time off over the holidays! I've barely done anything this weekend and I've got to start a new week tomorrow. Yikes! I've managed to inhale my usual half a pot of coffee, and although it's pretty freaking late in the afternoon, laundry has been started. I'm still unshowered, so I can work up a good sweat with my house chores and relax afterwards with a thorough sandblasting of the bod. Didn't need to know all that, now didya? Sorry. Let's Mop Up! Ready?


My favorite hairy gay men did something very sweet for me at Christmas. Seems I mentioned at some point during the summer that I did not own a VCR or a DVD player, and little did I realize that there's a Gay Law that requires homosexuals to own SOME type of device on which to play porn. It's true, I looked it up.

So, being the thoughtful and law-abiding friends that these two are, I was gifted a dvd player at Christmas. I was stunned. I think I only gave them a hickey for the holidays and they hit me with THIS? I, obviously, don't have a clue about how friends take care of each other. I got a little misty-eyed when I opened the box.

I love these guys with all my Social Etiquette-less Ass heart.

It took a few days to figure out how to hook the fucker up, but once I did, I blazed a trail to The Lobo, a gay boutique and video rental place. I found the "Bear" section. Yes, Virginia, they make pornography catering to guys who are interested in big, gay, hairy men. The selection isn't great, mind you, but there was certainly a selection. I chose two titles and marched to the cashier, where I had to fill out forms, take a personality test, and clear some type of Homeland Security interview. Really, it is less complicated to fly to Florida than it is to rent "adult entertainment". No wonder people buy this stuff on the internet these days. By the way: no strip search. I was slightly disappointed.

I gallop back to my truck, and hurl myself down the highway, and the anticipation of hot, steamy, recorded mansex awaiting my approval is making me feel ever-so giddy. And naughty. And gay. Yay!

At Casa del Jimbo, I have the set-up in place: mini-blinds closed in the bedroom, pillows piled up the headboard, a bottle of Gun-Oil, a cum rag, and my glasses and remote control at the ready. I drop the dvd into the machine, strip down and dive onto my place on the bed. Let the Homosexuality begin!

"What Gay Bear Porn Looks Like" by jimmy (SPOILER ALERT!)

The first selection starts with two guys facing the camera in a livingroom when the credits end. Then, on cue, one turns to the other:

"Want to get started?" he asks.

"Sure, " says the second with kind of a shrug.

The first guy, a big, bearded guy in a leather vest and jeans, drops his pants. The other, a big, bearded guy in a t-shirt and jeans, sits on the sofa. Face goes into crotch. At this point, the camera angle is from the cocksucker's perspective - looking up at the first guy. The guy getting blown has this to say:

"Oh, yeah. Suck that bear cock. Yeah. Suck that cock. Yeah. Woof."

Yes, he said "woof". Repeatedly. In a voice that sounded like he had chugged a bottle of NyQuil. This guy getting sucked, the suckee, raises his head to moan. This gives the viewer a great shot of his goateed doublechin and an angle straight up his nostrils, because the camera is down by the sucker, right? Fetching. Nipples, chin, and nostrils. That's it.

The camera then switches to the perspective of the guy getting blown. We're looking down now at the guy sucking the cock, but we're still listening to the codeine-induced babble of the suckee.

"Oh, yeah. Woof. You like that bear cock. Suck it good. Woof." And then, a question:

"You like that bear cock?"

The sucker pulls the penis out of his mouth.

"I like that bear cock." he states, looking directly into the camera, in some dialect quite reminiscent of Down's Syndrome. He then slaps the dick against his own cheekbone with one solid THWACK, saliva flying in all directions, and puts the penis back in his mouth.

Oh, my God, I think to myself, I have rented Retarded Bear porn!

It never gets any better, folks.

A half hour later, I am putting away the accoutrement. No need for lube or rag. This was the most unexciting, miserable experience I have had with porn since I can remember. I've seen hotter shit on Cinemax! Stilted, clumsy, and ridiculous, I f-fwd'd through two complete dvds of fat guys telling each other to "suck my dick" like it was written on cue cards, and they couldn't remember their lines. And, although a fan of big boys myself, there's just not a whole lot to see when guys this size have sex. Know what I mean? I may not be a fan of skinny twinks, but when they fuck, at least you can tell what's going on. Hey, I'm just saying...

I'm not giving up, I'll try again another time. Maybe I just chose lame titles. Maybe I'm just not a 'porn buff'. Maybe this dvd player will just be for Disney stuff and real movies, and things like that. We'll see.

I'll keep you posted.

Michael Update

Remember Michael? Well, I had lost touch with him back in the fall, yet again, when he was placed into a hospice in November and no longer had a phone with which to contact him. For all I knew, he had passed away in December, because you don't go to a hospice until your last days are very near.

Well, he showed up on the chatline today. He has been released from the hospice because his lung cancer is not spreading at the rate they assumed it would, and his doctors are suggesting that he may have another three months or so to live. I was delighted to get to talk with him today. He's very weak, but glad to still be alive. And I was grateful be have the chance to tell this remarkably brave man how much I love and admire him. He's got my home phone number again, so I am hoping he will call me directly. I can't call him now, because he is living with his sister-in-law and is uncomfortable giving out her number. It's cool.

The idiots on the chatline seemed genuinely glad to hear from him again as well. Many, many greeted him by name and spoke to him with respect. It was really sweet. For about 5 minutes. Then some of them started acting like asses again. He and I just switched to a private line, then, and chatted for nearly an hour and a half.


Bigg said...

Get one of the peer-to-peer applications: limewire, morpheus, etc, and do a search on 'gay porn.' Trust me, no matter what you want, it's there. You might like to search the word 'Triga' as well -- they have stuff that seems to be right up your alley, so to speak. (They have a website, too!)

dirk.mancuso said...

Gawd, Jimmy...that bear porn you described sounded eff-in' HAWT!

Title, please.