Sunday, September 09, 2007

An Open Letter To Men (Gay Or Straight)

Dear Dudes,

It's that time of the year again - Football Season. And there's a few things I'd like to cover before we get any deeper into it. A few pet peeves of mine that I need to get out in the open and discuss now, so that there won't be an ugly scene between us in a sports bar, or in front of someone's big screen tv. Please pay attention.

#1. You are not paid by the network to be the color man in the announcing booth. Stop analysing every friggin' play, and shut the hell up once in a while so I can hear what the PAID PROFESSIONALS have to say about the game I'm watching.

#2. I know that your world is all about you, but mine is not all about you. I don't want or need to hear about your high school career as a football player. I know how the story ends- you didn't go pro. End of story.

#3. I have no intention of competing with you on your rate of beer consumption. I can nurse a single beer for quite a while. No, I'm not ready for another. No, I'm not a pussy for not joining in on your chug fest. Feel free to guzzle 'til you pass out, maybe I can actually focus on the game if you are unconscious.

#4. Yes, Andy Reid is hot and, no, you'll never get the chance. (Gay Bear chasers only)

#5. When discussing your own, personal workout routine at the gym, refrain from referring to your arms as "guns". They are arms. You have arms. Call them that. The only people who have "guns" are quarterbacks and baseball players. If you can sling a football 50 yards, precisely hitting a moving target; or, if you can throw a baseball from deep right field to home plate, or throw a strike at 100 mph consistently, you have "guns". You? Arms. By the way, same goes for the term "cannon". Jesus!

#6. Please stop being so critical of professional athlete's mistakes while on the field, and ending the judgement with "ANYONE could have caught that!" (or "tackled him", or "not stepped out of bounds") Sports are HARD. It's why you aren't a professional player yourself. {Note: if you actually played college or professional ball, this one does not apply to you.]

#7. Don't expect the rest of us to want to push "pause" on the dvr/tivo while you take your thirtieth piss of the game.

#8. Yes, the cheerleaders are hot and, no, you'll never get the chance. (Straight guys only)


Anonymous said...

Andy Reid's not hot. Sorry. You're still the sexiest, Jim. Hands down.

jimmycity said...

You are obviously not a gay bear chaser, Dick, cuz to many of my friends - them's fightin' words!

btw...they also go apeshit over Mike Holmgren of Seattle.

...just reportin' the facts here...

Anonymous said...

Well they're wrong. You're the best.

Anonymous said...

Bring 'em on, I'll kick their asses! I'm a hardened criminal, I got street cred.

jimmycity said...

...not to mention a pimped-out wardrobe!

Anonymous said...


Bigg said...

In the Big Woods, really obnoxious idiots who work out call their arms pythons. Isn't that amusing? Pythons.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

(wiping tears from my eyes)

Mr. Nim does quite a gun show around here and I'm proud to report that cheerleaders drive him insane (yes, it's part of his job), "nice from afar but far from nice".


But really dude, ANYONE could have caught that!

Funniest post in a long time.

Special K said...

This is freakin' hilarious.