Sunday MopUp 2/03/08
Drinking bitter black coffee (cuz creamer aint allowed on the diet), here I sit at my laptop while laundry is being generated, and the house gets the attention I have with held all week long. This is my Sunday MopUp, and if you get too close to me, I might take a bite out of you. Don't feed the bear.
A Big, Hairy, Gay Sybil
It's Day Five of my liquid diet, and I am teetering on the brink of schizophrenia. There are voices in my head that are amazingly intent on keeping me aware of every passing second without food. It's like time has stood still.
One voice, in particular, is like a short-order cook, calling out orders to the rest of the kitchen. "Roast beef and mashed potatoes!", "Buffalo chicken wings!", "Lasagna and garlic bread!", "Cheese enchiladas with a side of guacamole, extra sour cream!". The stupid part is how it includes even the crappiest of foods. "Chicken McNuggets!", "Long John Silvers' greasy fish filets!", "Anything on the Olive Garden's menu!"...
It just will NOT shut the fuck up.
Look, I don't want to paint a completely bleak picture here. Actually, this program is fairly simple and I'm really not hungry all the time. It's pretty cool to have any and ALL choices taken away from you : you drink a juicebox full of goo every 4 hours and that's that.
What I am seriously stunned about is how MUCH time and energy I spend THINKING about food. As a man, I know I've been told that I think about sex every twenty seconds. Well, as a fat guy, I am thinking about food at least every ten!
I'm also seeing how food is my drug of choice to self-medicate and comfort me for EVERYthing.
I'm happy : Let's Eat!
I'm sad : Let's Eat!
I'm angry : Let's Eat!
I'm stressed : Let's Eat!
I'm bored : Let's Eat!
I'm horny : Let's Eat!
Hey, that sex was awesome! : Let's Eat!
I finished doing my taxes : Let's Eat!
Filling that big, black hole in my soul that I've stuffed food into all these years is going to be a HUGE challenge. Finding a way to reward myself that does not involve eating stuff probably sounds simple to all you skinny asses out there. Trust me, this is a mountain.
Just want you to know that, as a person who is familiar (all too well) with 12-step programs, I am fully aware that this food addiction will need to be treated the same way as any other addiction. Part of the weight loss program I am in requires attendance at group therapy sessions. But I am also considering attending some OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings. Might be a good way to fill some time on the weekends.
[ There was a time in my life that I considered attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Well, until I realized that my real motivation was to cruise the room. I decided to stay away.]
Once I have the surgery, I will resume seeing my former therapist, a man I love named Tucker (is that a great name, or what?), who helped me when I was having a nervous breakdown from leading a double-life as a closeted gay man.
Super Bowel Sunday
Let's just say that the biggest problem I am having today is with my digestive tract. You KNOW I had to get gross at some point in this post, right?