Sad But True

When I was younger, I had a horrible ability to lose any and all things in my possession. I'm sure this had everything to do with the fact that I was, more or less, perpetually stoned from the ages of 18 to about 35.

"Braincells? I don't need any stinking braincells! Hey, where the fuck are my car keys? Have you seen my fucking car keys? Shit!"

Pretty much.

Point is, I spent a LOT of time replacing personal stuff that I had lost. Said car keys, drivers licences, sunglasses, underwear, cassette tapes, wallets, you name it. Wallets...

I went through so many wallets back in the day, that I stopped buying them. Instead, I would use the little cheap, plastic, checkbook covers that you get for free when you order new checks at the bank. I carried credit cards and my ID around in these pieces of shit for years. Years. They were bigger than a conventional wallet, so I could feel it better when I had it stashed in my back pocket. It seemed to help. I stopped losing my "wallet" so much.

When The X and I got together, he noticed what I was carrying around, and bought me a nice checkbook cover as a Christmas gift our first Christmas together. I loved it. It was a black Harley-Davidson embossed monster that I THOUGHT was leather. Now, I don't think so. That was, gee, 7 years ago? It finally fell apart last year cuz I can wear out a muthafuckin' wallet, ya know? It died shortly after our relationship died, The X and me, so I pitched the bitch. It also reminded me of him. Who wants THAT?

And, in keeping with Jim being Jim, I promptly went back to the cheapass, plastic freebie checkbook covers from the bank.

Well, two and a half years after the brutal breakup from The X, I am dating again. Weird science, people! Anyway, the guy I am now seeing has commented several times (actually EVERY time I pull it out) that my checkbook cover is hilarious. He can't believe I tote that shit around. Gay men are killer bitches, ya know? It has started to make me feel very self-conscious and started me thinking. Why DON'T I carry a real wallet now? It's been years since I've gotten stoned and lost anything (cuz it's been years since I've gotten stoned). Well, there was one incident last year but, c'mon, that was a fluke! He has even threatened to buy me a new, REAL, wallet.

That's all it took. I decided to go get myself one.

I went last week to Target (cuz this bear doesn't do Walmart!), and dropped a whopping 10 bucks on a simple black leather wallet. Amazingly easy to accomplish. I loaded it with all my shit, stashed it into my back pocket, and got on with Life.

Well folks, let me tell you, I have now found a completely NEW way of embarrassing myself in public.

See, this thing is genuine leather. And when real leather has been riding around in my fatass pants all day long, it gets, and stays...warm. And when new leather gets warm, it gets fragrant. You know, that "leather smell". Well, I love that smell. Always have. And it's not something sexual, you dirty pervs. I can remember being a kid, living out in the country, where we had horses. The smell of the saddles and the stuff in the tack room was all around me. So, now every friggin' time I have reached into my pocket to pull out my wallet in the past week, I have gotten a whiff of that awesome, wonderful, rugged, nostalgic smell. And, retard that I surely am, I canNOT help but raise the wallet to my nose and SNIFF IT!

Yes, I stand in front of whatever cashier is in front of me, waiting patiently to be paid, and I am smelling my wallet, eyes rolling back in my head, gurgling some kinda groan, totally spacing out on where I am and what I am doing. I can't help myself. I've tried all week to not do this and yet it happens every time!

I snap out of it within a very few seconds, but I assure you it's long enough to attract the attention of anyone anywhere near me. The looks I have gotten. Trust. This is unbelievably pathetic. It looks like I'm huffing my butt or something!

I was supposed to go out with my new friend this weekend, but have avoided calling him. He can't see this. I told myself to leave the wallet at home, just load the old checkbook up and go out. I can't do it. I LOVE my new wallet. I have to have it on me. I WANT to sniff it! Oh. My. GOD! I'm a freak!

I'm going to call him in just a minute and make up a lie about why we aren't getting together tonight. I'll figure out how to handle this, and see him later in the week. Wish me luck.